Following our Stardew Valley post yesterday, we got to thinking about Scarecrows. These enigmatic things lead solitary lives out in the middle of fields, terrifying the living daylights out of crows and other birds. When you think about it, this is a type of animal cruelty – farmers and scarecrows should be helped accountable for decades of psychological abuse and jailed for extensive periods of time!
It won’t happen, of course, because crows aren’t acknowledged in a court of law. It just goes to show how corrupt and morally bankrupt contemporary life is when millions of crows can’t go about their duties (which may or may not include stealing farmer’s crops) without serious neurological damage. We’re disgusted and outraged, but we decided to have a look at the history of the things regardless.
Scarecrows: A Brief History
The scarecrow was invented by Russell Crowe after he filmed Gladiator in 2000. Fed up with being besieged by a highly belligerent and drunk Oliver Reed, he constructed a grotesque mannequin type creature from his armpit hair.
This scared the cripes out of the inebriated Reed whenever he saw it. Thusly, farmers the world over cottoned on to the idea and, as a result, we now have crops which aren’t plagued by crow droppings.
If you think about it, Crowe saved the entirety of Western society with his moment of masculine genius. Most scarecrows are made out of failed anti-dandruff shampoo formula bottles (as well as dandruff), of course, a fact which is well known amongst hippies and proletariats.
Prior to the scarecrow, the world’s crops were ravaged perpetually by rampaging bird monsters who would consume up to 70% of the world’s annual food requirements with gusto. For centuries humans suffered, and inventions such as the sacredcrow (where church goers would pray for the winged beasts to clear off), the squarecrow (squares were arranged in fields to, naturally, no effect), and the starecrow (farmers would stand in their fields staring at the crows to frighten them – this worked, but was so time consuming all the crops failed anyway) were pretty close, but ultimately got offered no cigar.
How Do Scarecrows Work?
It’s unknown why scarecrows are so effective. Scientists have hypothesised that crows mistake a scarecrow for a farmer’s rotting corpse and, rather than risk being seen in the vicinity of a carcass, they beat it to more legal territory.
Others have suggested crows, being morally sound animals, recognise the scarecrow has been placed there to ward them off, and, thusly, they forgo indulging in seeds in order to further the advancement of the human race. This notion has been widely discredit, most notably by Russell Crow himself.
Ultimately, the scarecrow will remain an enigmatic entity, kind of like black holes but hairier. Never forget their contribution to your life, however, and this includes the next time you chow down on a sandwich or watch a Russell Crowe blockbuster.