Great TV Shows That Never Were: Game of Phones

Game of Phones
Yes.

Like Justin Bieber, institutionalised complacency, and sandwiches, Game of Thrones is almost impossible to avoid. We’ve not watched any of it, but the show dominates the world like Breaking Bad did a few years back. That show ended, but Game of Thrones never will.

Indeed, we believe the plan is to make 300 seasons, by the end of which only Peter Dinklage will be left. He’ll just be sitting in a room bemoaning thrones in an endless, vapid monologue. This will get boring quickly, so we’ve suggested a spin-off series which, of course, won’t get made because TV executives are miserable. Anyway, we can still dream, right?

Game of Phones

The series would be a psychological study in the style of Big Brother – reality TV, you know? We feel there haven’t been enough reality TV shows over the last 16 years or so, which is why we’ve inexplicably chosen this odious genre.

As such, Game of Phones isn’t so much a spin-off and more a spontaneous experiment in the name of Game of Thrones. By this, we mean we’re going to leverage the immense audience clued in with the show by idiotically ripping off its name on some flimsy pretext for making an idiotic TV show. This is the way the world works, folks, and as cutting edge marketers we know how to boost stuff with abhorrent marketing jargon.

Right, the show itself would consist of a bunch of braindead imbeciles picked off the street. Forced into a living area, they’d be robbed of their smartphones and forced to socialise as normal human beings.

This, inevitably, would cause conflict as pent up frustrations rapidly come to the fore – for instance, the withdrawal symptoms from not being able to take Selfies will be hugely destructive.

The Cast!

We’d select the people carefully. They’d need to be irrational, hopelessly addicted to their mobile phones, and prone to bouts of extreme petulance.

They’d already be psychologically damaged enough to warrant further subjection to mental abuse in our recording studio, so we’d overcome the legal and questionable moral side of it all. Don’t Worry!

Livening up the Chronic Boredom

Big Brother and its ilk are impossibly dull, of course, so the question remains how can one make a reality TV show which is worth watching? Luckily, this is Professional Moron and we can liven up even the most dreary thing with absurdity. Brace yourself, here we go:

  • Petrol Bombs: The contestants would be awoken each morning by a petrol bomb being thrown into their sleeping quarters. Naturally, their immediate reaction would to film the ensuing gargantuan blaze -it’d be hilarious watching them sobbing in terror upon realising they don’t have any mobile phones with which to do so!
  • Goading: All day long, the contestants will be played footage of people using their smartphones. This mental torture will be hilarious to behold as they begin to slobber uncontrollably at the mouth and shriek hysterically in dismay.
  • Torture: Contestants would be physically tortured (by a torturer, duh) dressed as Steve Jobs. Bits of smartphones (such as the battery, sim card, and earphones) will be thrust up people’s unspeakables (nostrils, eyelids and all that).
  • Punishment: Whenever the contestants so much as hint at wanting to use a smartphone, one of several punishment devices will be let loose in the property. This could be an axe-wielding maniac, an enraged swarm of bees, a belligerent goose, or a wild grizzly bear. The choice is up to the viewer!
  • Nightly Piss-Ups: The contestants will be forced at gunpoint (literally) to drown their sorrows each evening, lose their tempers, and take out their frustrations on each other with a mixture of bamboo sticks and hammers we’ve casually left around the premises.

Would this have been TV gold? Yes. Yes, it most certainly would’ve been.

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