Exclusive Invention: The Cold Air Balloon

Cold air baloon
It’s glorious sights such as this which make us depressed.

Hot air balloons are full of hot air – it’s all style over substance. What’s so bloody great about being up in the sky anyway? Asides from the great views, there’s the risk of being hit by an errant meteorite, birds will poo on you, and the aeroplane clogged skies will turn your experience from relaxing to ear piercingly unpleasant in the blind of an eyelid.

This is why we’ve invented cold air balloons. They have all the standard thrills of hot air balloons without the possibility of a horrifying, bone crunching, hair greying incident. Indeed, for when there’s the opportunity to be oppressively sensible, we’re the ones first in line.

Cold Air Balloons

It’s one of the oldest debates in the book – which is best, cold or hot stuff? One could argue hot stuff keeps us alive more (the Sun for a start), but then without cold things (imagine drinking boiling hot water – not healthy, we know we’ve tried it!) we’d be just as dead.

We guess it’s all about context, which is why in the world of the hot air balloon context gets ignored in favour of tranquillity, introspection, and a sense of wellbeing – this disgusting behaviour makes us sick and we’re disgusted by the showboating hippies who use these things.

As a consequence, the cold air balloon mediates the safety concerns we’ve highlighted above by merely being a boring rip-off. Indeed, the cold air balloon, being cold, will be frozen to the ground. For a mere £100 ($200) you’ll clamber into the thing, realise it’s broken, and then be booted off in favouring of stuffing the next idiotic consumer in. This is the way the corporate world works, fools.

We mean, it’s cold enough up there in the sky anyway so what’s so “hot” about the “hot air balloon”? It’s bloody false advertising, is what it is. At least with the cold air balloon you get a warning which, of course, you’ll ignore. Why? As it’s human nature to take a closer look! Thusly, this scheme is doomed to success.

Don’t Forget Lukewarm Air Balloons!

There’s nothing like a bit of liberal compassion to soothe the outraged mass of complaints we’ve presciently anticipated. Indeed, to complement our invention we’ve also created lukewarm air balloons which act as a sort of distended hover craft.

These things, being lukewarm, will hover above ground and (being virtually uncontrollable in even the steadiest of winds) will casually career about the place being a severe hazard and nuisance to the local vicinity. It’s okay though – we’ve got a license for all of this stuff.

The downside is you’re guaranteed at least one severe injury on the lukewarm air balloon, whereas on the cold air balloon you’ll only suffer from consumerist outrage which you’ll, like the tedious societal drain you are, vent on your social media platform of choice. Whatever. Like we care.


    • I’m sure it’s blissful and marvellous… but the cold air balloon ride is what you want to try next! For a special discount price of £200 ($400) you can try it out at our test facility! Let us know if you want to enjoy a once in a lifetime experience!*

      *NB: You will partake at your own risk, will be required to sign a legal waiver, and will probably suffer from frostbite and the early stages of hypothermia during your visit. You will also be supplied with free sandwiches (tuna).

      Liked by 1 person

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