Chopsticks are really great, even if you don’t know how to use them. Whilst it is a delicate art balancing those two thin things on your stupid big hands, rest assured you’ll look sophisticated even if you inadvertently stab someone in the eyeball after lunging for the final bit of gyoza.
Of course, chopsticks weren’t just invented as devices for eating. Well… they were, but this doesn’t mean one can’t use one’s imagination and take these nifty things to a whole new level. Join us, then, as we reimagine the chopstick with splendiferous new features.
Mid-meal, it’s not uncommon to have a bout of nose itching issues. You may even feel the need to dislodge something unpleasant from a nostril. Thusly, the chopstick is tailor made to jam it up your nose and dislodge whatever’s in there. Hurray!
Naturally, many people may be repulsed by this nauseating sight, so be sure to nose-pick furtively when only people you don’t like are watching (such as your besties’ boyfriend – bastard!).
2. Pole Vaulting
Are you feeling lugubrious after your full on sushi meal? Has all that rice bogged you down? Is the mercury poisoning from that blue fin tuna causing your limbs to behave spasmodically? Chopsticks to the rescue!
Simply fashion a few together and pole vault your way out of the restaurant. This is a quick and effective way to hasten home to slump out with post-meal exhaustion on your bathroom floor.
Is a Hipster giving you bother as a norimaki slips from your chopsticks and slams into your soya sauce, spraying the aforementioned Hipster with salty fermentedness?
Don’t let the vagabond get away with it! Stand abruptly and advance wielding your chopsticks whilst bellowing “Have at you!” Problem solved.
The chopstick is essentially an overgrown toothpick. Don’t be embarrassed to pick lumps of raw fish out of your teeth with a spare one – this is actively encouraged by us. Again, it may repulse others – simply give these dullards a two fingered salute.
Indeed, you can even use your smartphone to film yourself as you perform this highly attractive manoeuvre. Post the results on social media and watch your family and friends sycophantically congratulate you on your beauty and ingenuity.
Did you slip on a stray piece of sashimi, fall downstairs, and shatter several limbs? Is your arm pointing at a bizarre angle and in staggering agony? Luckily, by fashioning together a few chopsticks you can form a makeshift splint!
Hobble to safety from that hazardous restaurant with you dignity intact, then file a lawsuit and have the place shut down for chronic negligence.