Cat flaps are pretty useful if you like your pet cat to invade your home at its leisure. Brilliant inventions, they’re inserted on some part of your home (usually a door) and it allows your cat to dash in and out of your home, as we previously indicated in the first sentence of this blog post.
Of course, it also allows any other creature in the vicinity into your home. The cat flat has no prejudices, it’ll let in stray cats, small dogs, escaped hamsters, rampaging walruses which have escaped from the local zoo, and potentially even deranged axe-wielding maniacs. Luckily, we’ve invented the cat flop to solve all of these issues!
The Cat Flop
The cat flop is deceitful in its approach to everything in that it’s a massive flop. By this we mean it doesn’t work properly, so once you’ve attached it to your door it’ll stick there broken, thusly refusing to allow anything in and out of your property.
This has many advantages, such as keeping crazed madmen or thunderous zoo animals at bay. On the downside, your cat cannot enter or leave your home. This is why we’ve complemented this invention with another invention – the cat flip.
Your cat will stand on this device (which you will leave strategically outside). Once it has done so, the device will backflip your cat through an open window on the first floor of your property (first floor, as in, above your ground floor – just to clear up any confusion). Rest assured, the flipping device is perfectly accurate and sage – it’s fuelled by healthy old petrol.
This will, of course, mean you will have to leave a window open at all times, which means your home will soon become infested with errant flies, bees, wasps, moths, rain, and any local burglars. This is why you will need to complement the cat flop/cat flip with one of our trained bodyguards.
Unnecessarily Violent Bodyguard
For just an extra £100 ($200) a month, you can hire a bodyguard to stand in the room on your first floor (such as in your bathroom) where your cat will flip into your property. This individual will be fully trained in the art of pulping delinquents into a pulp.
Nary a goddamn bluebottle will make it through your open window with one of our trained psychopaths to stand guard! He will merely stand there and deal with hoodlums with extreme violence. We’ll ensure he has a doting fascination for cats, however, and he will refer to yours only as “darling” and will coo appreciatively whenever it backflips into the room. Free belly rubs are also provided.
Consequently, by combining these three items together at a total cost of £1,000 ($2,000) a month, you can take the cat flop and make your home into a fully accessible/inaccessible hellish nightmare of a home, complete with an arbitrary stranger who won’t attempt to engage you in any form of conversation. Genius? Yes.
Gee, that sounds like quite the bargain! I don’t know how this company plans to stay in business with such low prices. Who feeds the gaurd?
The guard feeds himself on… damn, that’s a good point. I kind of forgot about that. Oh well, guards are entirely expendable! Once one has perished, merely replace him with another!