Exclusive Recipe: Horseradish Soup (it’s bloody horrible)

Horseradish soup
Okay, so this is the only copyright free image of horseradish we could find. We not sure why the goggles are there.

The amazing thing about horseradish is it isn’t made of horses, which is pretty cool. Indeed, it’s a “vegetable” (which, paradoxically, aren’t made from tables) which is used as a spice. We don’t mean the Spice Girls by that, we mean the spice – the stuff you sprinkle on your food. Usually, you’ll think of black pepper, but today you must think of horseradish.

Horseradish soup, that is, which is our latest genius recipe. With its often overwhelmingly pungent taste and general stench, this soup is a brilliant one to serve at a dinner party where you detest your guests. Indeed, nothing says “I hate you!” quite like a bowl of repugnance. Here we go!

Horseradish Soup

The thing about spice is the Spice Girls made it all cool. This is a problem for us. We’re not anti-Spice Girls, so you know, but “Baby Spice” is a bit of despotic idea. Plus, “scary spice”? Which one’s that, cinnamon with a black widow spider hidden in it?! Plus, sporty spice? Those things aren’t sporty, you know, they’re more likely to send you dashing to a toilet rather than on a marathon! LOL!

Anyway, let’s not even mention the marathon here. Professional Moron is above such things, which is why its staff are all grotesquely overweight, covered in bedsores, exhausted, and belligerent.

Anyway (again), how do you make this recipe? Well, you’re going to need a lot of horseradish. A good litre should do it if you’re feeding a family of 12 petulant teenagers – that’s about right for the average family in the UK, we believe.

So! One simply dumps all of the horseradish into a pan, garnish (this being soup, add at least 50g of salt), and heat it up until it’s bubbling like one of those women who describe themselves as “bubbly”. Voilà! Your disgusting starter is ready.

Terrifying Dinner Party Guests

There’s nothing quite like laughing at your guests as they flee in panic from your house after a particularly repulsive bowl of soup. It really gets us chortling! Until the lawsuits arrive, of course, but then you can just bury the letter in your garden and pretend you never received it.

Such blissful ignorance is what brought us to invent horseradish soup in the first place. It’s one of the more depraved soup inventions out there. In terms of taste, it’s like stuffing warm horseradish into your face – really, it’s not a nice experience.

Which is why you should invite the people you don’t like around (such as boring Bill, ditzy Daisy, ignorant Ian, precocious prick Pete, and bubbly Barbara), serve them this monstrosity, and revel in the reactions of unbridled horror. Mwaaahahahahaha!


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