Star Wars – possibly the most famous film series in the history of ever. This historical drama details how Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher lookalikes back in the past took on the despicable Empire and obliterated it due to its somewhat fatuous overreliance on Death Stars. Why not build a Death Sun? That would have been better, surely?
Anyway, in the Empire Strikes Back we find Han Solo frozen in time as punishment for stuff. Prior to this, Princess Whatshername utters the line “I love you”, to which cheeky handsome chappy Solo grumbles, “I know”. What an arrogant bastard. But what if things had gone a bit differently?
I love you – I know
Here’s the original scene. Whilst it may make some women gooey at the kneecaps, let’s not miss out the chance to highlight how arrogant Han Solo is. A more gentlemanly response would have been: “Thank you very much. I also love you, darling. Upon being thawed out from this monstrosity, we shall partake in a spot of tea at our local diner.” Not very rock and roll that, I guess.
I love you – Ee aa ee aa oo
There weren’t enough musical interludes in Star Wars (George Lucas agrees – he added in a pop number in time for the Return of the Jedi special edition), which is why having the cast (including Darth Vadar) breaking out into a nursery rhyme would have been a laugh.
I love you – I’m John Snow
We’re not thinking of the Game of Thrones dude, incidentally, we’re going for the Channel 4 news presenter. Had he been in Star Wars which his dulcet tones providing a voiceover, all would have been well.
I love you – I no
Dammit man, get your grammar right!
I love you – I now
We don’t ever see Han Solo writing stuff down in Star Wars, so perhaps he is simply an illiterate, good looking buffoon. Oh well, if you can bag a princess that way then why not?
I glove you – I… what?!
Who’s to say Princess Leia wasn’t illiterate, too? Granted, she comes across as a bit too intelligent for that, but maybe her overriding lust for gloves brought about the eventual failing in the Leia/Solo love triangle (which, disturbingly, briefly included her brother Luke – Lucas, you idiot).
I loathe you – Shut it, you slag!
This would have been a much more accurate protrayal of your average relationship, yes?
I love you – I dough
Han Solo’s fondness for dough-based food products could have ruined the most romantic moment in movie history!
I love you – I’m drunk on Bordeaux
Well it was a stressful situation, we can’t blame Han Solo for getting a little plastered prior to his session with the carbonite.
I love – I just stubbed my big toe
That’s a good way to side-step that one, dude. Other bachelors can bear this in mind for the future – get cornered with this one, stub your big toe, and all will be solved.
I love you – I’m an American buffalo
Perhaps drunk on the amount of fumes and steam going on in that scene, this take was cut from the original as Harrison Ford began to hallucinate wildly.
I love you – I… whoa!
Followed by, “I just thought it was a bit of a fling, love”. Typical man, always in it for a laugh and then happy to leg it the moment some piece of young carbonite turns up.
I love you – I mow
The lawn, presumably. By saying this, Solo would simply be implying he’s willing to mow their lawn once they’re hitched. Which is nice of him.
I love you – I play the banjo
It’s important to air those foibles before commencing in any relationship. The sight of handsome Han Solo frozen in carbonite with his banjo doesn’t have the same legendary ring to it, huh? Leia would have hooked up with Chewbecca instead.
I love you – Aiiiiiieee, yo!
Being down with “the kids” is part of Han Solo’s bad boy appeal, which means this sign off pre-carbonite freezing would have been a fitting AWOL.