When not making your toys in time for Christmas, Santa Claus is busy triggering off international incidents and generating an incredible amount of local ire. This time out, in our exclusive column from the legend, Santa updates us on his progress. Oh my.

Deceased: Santa Communism

Last time out, I detailed how I had a rival in the form of Santa Communism, a psychotic socialist intent on spreading propaganda to defenceless capitalists. This guy is now dead, thankfully. I invited him round under the pretence of agreeing on peace talks, but laced his complimentary Christmas cake with 500g of rat poison.

Unfortunately, this activity has outraged the Russian government and Vladmir Putin’s aid visited to try and comprehend what was going on at Santa’s factory. Me and my elves greeted his arrival by running at his vehicle whilst firing wildly from our shotguns. The sight of Santa and a small army of crazed elves caused the aid to flee in a panic back to Russia. Haha! What a tosser. I expect this will be the last we hear of this.

Santa Monument

To ensure NO ONE has any doubts about who the REAL Santa is in town, I got my elves to build a giant 50ft monument of myself, replete with twinkle lights and all that bollocks. Its best feature is it booms out the warning “ATTENTION! TRESSPASSERS WILL BE BRUTALLY EXECUTED!” every 60 seconds at deafening volume. Yeah! Ain’t no one bothering Santa now.

Toys, Toys, Toys

To get my elves pumped up for the Christmas toy making slog (and to drown out the exclamations of doom from outside), I started pumping music into our giant factory warehouse. My song of choice was the 1987 hit Boys (Summer Time Love) by Sabrina, which was played at full volume on a perpetual loop.

This song becomes exceptionally irritating within the first 60 seconds and forced many of my elves into peculiar seizures. Several also had emotional breakdowns after 12 hours of repeatedly listening to it, whilst another attempted to rip his ears off with his bare hands.

I take my employees’ safety and wellbeing with great seriousness, so I then decided to mix up the playlist with additions such as Agadoo by Black Lace, Macarena by those Spanish dudes, How You Remind Me by Nickelback, and Wannabe by the Spice Girls. I even included a rap song – this one addition led to copious amounts of vomiting and numerous complete neurological collapses, which made me realise the workplace should be free from musical interference.

Upgrading my Service

Last year, Santa didn’t get stuck up any chimneys, but he did get lost on several occasions. This confusion meant he accidentally delivered a butcher’s knife to a little girl instead a Barbie doll. Oh well, First World Problems, love.

For the sake of professionalism, however, I’ve decided to install GPS and Google Maps into my massive sleigh. The voice I’ve chosen for the machine is Brian Blessed, who will bellow instructions to my beleaguered reindeer during my Christmas Eve/Day journey.

I’ve also built in a toilet to my sleigh this year, as in the past I had to resort to doing it all over the side. This had proved troublesome, as once when flying over London I lost my balance whilst taking a dump and plunged into the night seemingly to my doom. Thankfully, Rudolph wasn’t drunk at that point and was able to steer the sleigh down to catch me. A close shave?! MORE LIKE A CLOSE S [we ended Santa’s profane outburst here for public decency].

Tune in next time for more colourful antics with Santa Claus!