In Praise of the Fog (Earth’s bad breath)

In praise of fog

The other day in Manchester, it was so foggy our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif couldn’t see where he was going. As a consequence, he accidentally bumbled into the local supermarket and bought a load of pop tarts – he went home and spent the afternoon pop tarting (the art of cooking pop tarts) like some deranged loser. Damn you fog, this is what you do to people!

Today, we’re not here to totally demolish fog for being an evil force. No – the force is not strong with this one at all. Indeed, we’re simply here to celebrate what is a mystical, eerie, spiritual, bizarre, and sporadically delightful occurrence.

The Fog

If you’re into the metaphysical and transmundane, you’ll agree with us fog is nature’s bad breath. There’s also a possibility it’s a cloaking system sent by aliens to try and confuse the human population. This is our message to those aliens: we’re not stupid enough to fall for your tricks, you idiots!

Scientifically speaking (not that science has ever done much for the human race), fog is apparently a mass which consists of cloud water droplets which are suspended in the air. In other words – you see those clouds up in the air? Fog is one of those which has gotten lost. Whichever way you look at it, there’s too much stupid going on with fog.

All of this musing doesn’t detract away from what fog does. It may be drunk, lost, and can’t find its way home, but it’s not really doing any harm. It’s also quite beautiful to behold at times – like a vat of oil bubbling crazily away in a chip shop. There’s a certain regal beauty to what’s going on and, for this, we respect the fog. As does Hollywood. Also, fog doesn’t make you obese like chips do.

So What’s Smog?

Fog is often confused with smog, of course. If you live in a city, smog is what happens when pollutants (such as exhaust fumes, unemployable wretches, and those people with clipboards selling you cheap gas) assault clouds and bring them down to street level. It isn’t advised anyone breathes in smog as it can lead to conditions such as being a smeghead.

Smog can be cured by encouraging things to get really foggy, such as burning fossil fuels in the countryside to generate more clouds which will eventually reach urban environments and, sort of, even everything out. We don’t deny climate change at Professional Moron, we just know the climate isn’t “changing” – it’s reaching that difficult stage in its existence and throwing a few pubescent strops. That’s all. It’ll pass (although we may all be underwater by the time it does).

The Fog (film)

John Carpenter was so impressed by fog (but not smog), he decided to make a film about it in 1980. Good on him! He should have also done a 1981 sequel called the Smog, which could have led to a 2016 reboot along the lines of Fogman vs Smogman.

Ben Affleck could have played the Fogman and Hunk-on-legs beefcake Henry Cavill could have donned his white speedos as Smogman. The result? A three-hour film where you can’t see a bloody thing – all you can hear is lots of grunting and the odd comment about Affleck’s dimple chin. What a stupid film.

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