Exclusive Recipe: Baked Beans and Watermelon Smoothie!

Watermelon and baked beans smoothie
Don’t forget the baked beans, stupid!

Having pretty much exhausted the whole “beans on something” world of recipes (peas on toast being an act of sheer desperation), we’ve turned to the baked beans and watermelon smoothie! This is, indeed, also an act of recipe-based desperation, but we’re individuals who seriously need to get our baked bean fix. Nothing is going to stand in the way of that!

In pursuit of more baked beans recipes, we never said any of this was going to be nice. It’s us you’re on about here – we’re not chefs. We haven’t got a clue what we’re doing. So in our fractured minds this thing seemed like a most fantastic idea! Until, of course, we made the thing. Hey, life is for living so why not give this recipe a good old whirl?

Baked Beans and Watermelon Smoothie

The smoothie revolution emerged about a decade ago, popularised by the Innocent brand. It used a cutesy type of copy involving humour and an offbeat attitude – pretty revolutionary, and brands have since realised they need to be a bit less on edge all the time.

Anyway, we did have a marketing campaign in place to promote this stupid recipe. This was our strapline: “Baked Watermelon, Anyone?” We realised this was a bit rubbish, so we came up with a few more: “Enjoy Putrescence”, “Taste the Feeling”, and “Beans Means Melons”. We realised the second two are ripped from other companies, so in the end we settled with “Baked Putrescence”. In these situations, it comes in useful to have a way with words.

It’s the same when you’re a chef – being able to cook is useful. The same goes for most professions, really. You should aim to be competent at what you do. There’s no point, for instance, in being a useless pizza delivery man. You couldn’t get the pizza, scale your moped, set off with the utmost confidence, and then drive straight off the edge off a cliff – you’d only get one chance to mess that up, you know?

It’s the same with cooking. Whether it’s beans on toast, coq au vin, or pop tarts, you have to go into the situation with knowledge on what you’re doing. There’s no defending lacing any of that lot with industry grade bleach under the belief it’d be a “pleasant complement” to the aftertaste. No. That’d land you in jail, sweetheart.

Erm… the Recipe?

Oh yeah, well it’s easy enough to make. You get a couple of tins of baked beans and a watermelon. Tip the beans into a blender and hack up the watermelon into easily manageable chunks. We can recommend a chainsaw for this task – it simplifies matters. Smoothies are all about simplification, you see, and chainsaws always simplify things.

Blend the lot (minus the chainsaw) and you’re ready to go! Do note, the taste is pretty unpleasant, so we recommend spicing things up with 100mg of salt, sugar, turmeric, chilli powder, and a dollop of aspic. It adds a bit more flavour, you know? Hey, it’s not called Baked Putrescence for nothing! Enjoy.


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