Agony Aunt: “HELP! All my wife eats is cheese on toast!”

Cheese on toast addiction
How do you control a cheese on toast addiction?

One of the worst things about being an agony aunt is receiving help requests from imbeciles with non-matters which should be solved with a drunken punch up. Today is one such example, as our man Jeff concerns himself with why his wife is only eating cheese on toast. Goddamn it…

Cheese on Toast

Dear Professional Moron, I am at a loss. I married my beloved wife last month and ever since then, for every-single-meal, all she eats is cheese on toast. Morning, noon, and night, it's cheese on toast. Romantic dinner? Cheese on toast. Snack? Cheese on toast. Meal for guests? Cheese on toast. Dinner parties? Cheese on toast. It's driving me goddamn CRAZY!! Our home is full to the rafters with goddamn cheese! I can't get my crates of beer into the fridge because the thing is jammed out with cheese! Instead I have to drink warm beer, which really grinds my gears and makes me want to punch someone in the face. What do I do to stop this fiasco? Yours, Jeff.

Hi, Jeff. Right… why didn’t you know about this cheese on toast addiction before you married her? It’s imperative you understand everything about your partner before you marry them in order to avoid situations like this. We’re not criticising your judgement, it’s just we are and you are a stupid, dumb, moronic fool.

Cheese on toast addiction is one of the worst known addictions, according to the Professional Moron Addiction Chart (PMAC – this acronym isn’t intended to offend any PC or Mac owners, incidentally). Indeed, it’s right up there with addictions such as beans on toast, scurvy, photosynthesis, and breathing. The latter is a particular foible of ours, although we’ve not figured out how to stop doing it without ending up stone dead.

You must wean your wife off her cheese on toast infatuation in order to ensure you have a happy and long life together. Here are a few tips on how to achieve this most noble of endeavours.

Weaning off Wensleydale

You’ll need to wait until she’s asleep and then lock her in your bedroom (be sure to seal up all escape routes, such as windows). Trapped inside, there will be no cheese for that woman! This will trigger off the cold cheese stage of her recovery, which is like cold turkey but more cheese based. There are several key stages to cheese withdrawal and they go like this:

  • Denial (“I can live without cheese, just let me out!” – she’d go straight to the fridge, ignore her pleas)
  • Frothing at the mouth (this is the cheese imbued in her body melting and finding an exit route – it’s perfectly natural)
  • Speaking in cheese (she’ll begin ranting about the many types of cheese around the world – turn up Netflix and ignore her)
  • Delerium (at some stage she’ll believe she is a block of cheese)
  • Acceptance (after 72 hours of Hell on Earth she’ll be back to normal – give her a cup of tea and a pat on the back)

This should be the end of it, although be aware she may relapse at some point. To avoid this, purchase vegan based cheese substitutes or a shotgun. With the latter, you can fire it in her general direction if she so much as drops a hint about cheese on toast. It’s tough love, but you have to do it. Best of luck, Jeff!

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