Financial Advice: 5 Tips on How to Secure a Loan (semi-legally)

How to get a loan
Secure yourself a loan with our “expert” advice!

Professional Moron is expanding its reach, offering unbeatable travel advice about Jupiter and a breaking news section to keep YOU in the snow. Er, know. Sorry about that – typos happen, you snow? Anyway, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, is 32 now and is adopting a “I know best!” type of obnoxious attitude. You, lucky readers, are ready for his didactic rambling.

Indeed, he’s here to dispense with his advice on how to have a healthier financial situation. Over the coming months, you’ll receive all sorts of expert advice on how to spend your money and, ultimately, avoid becoming one of those drooling tramps on the streets asking for change. For our first article, here’s how to acquire a loan.

1. Have no money

In order to request a loan, you must first be lacking in money (i.e. “fiscally challenged” or “skint”). This means you’ll have to head off out on a manic spending spree. To help waste your cash, perhaps hit eBay and buy a load of superfluous nonsense you don’t need. Once you’ve successfully rid yourself of your security blanket, congratulations! You’re in dire financial circumstances and ready to obtain a loan.

2. Join a bank

Whilst we at Professional Moron store all of our cash in dirty old socks as a theft deterrent, we recommend you take the conventional route and join a bank. We don’t trust them and would rather hand our cash over to a drug-crazed Nazi psychopath than trust a banker, but we appreciate many of you may not share the same delusions.

To join a bank is easy – simply walk in, head straight for the bank manager, drop to your knees before him/her and began chanting and performing the Bank Dance (it’s a stylised version of break dancing). If he/she appreciates your dance, you’re in!

3. Beg

Begging is important to acquire a loan. Be as pathetic as possible – the more you debase yourself, the better chance the tight-fisted bastard will relent and hand you a loan. Do whatever it takes; cry uncontrollably, slobber on yourself, foul your pants etc. All these are great tactics.

4. Make a Reasonable Request

No bank, regardless of how many times you ask, will hand over £5 million to you. Believe us. Not even if you flutter your eyelids and ask as politely as possible, whilst dropping subtle hints such as: “I promise not to run off to Brazil with it, guv”. Indeed, one must make reasonable demands such as £4,000, although, similarly, don’t underdo it. If you ask for 35p for a loaf of bread, they’ll give you a weird look and send you packing.

5. Rob the bank

Of course, if you don’t have time for this crapola, robbing a bank is a socially acceptable form of financial acquisition. To rob a bank, simply walk in wielding a shotgun and politely ask all concerned to hand over the stash from the safe and, whilst you’re at it, give me your wedding ring and gold teeth.

Perhaps watch films such as Dog Day Afternoon, Reservoir Dogs, and the Place Behind the Pines for advice on how to make your plan a success. Unfortunately, some people frown upon bank robbery and you could end up riddled with bullets due to your exploits. Naturally, you’ll want to avoid such fatal outcomes.

5 comments

  1. Ah, the romance, the glory, the sheer joy of robbing a bank is pecking at my ankles.
    I knew this guy once. He was about 6’8″, 300 pounds, nasty looking and the head of the robbery division at the 657th precinct here in Toronto.
    I’m thinking of pulling a job, just so I can meet him again. Maybe he’ll fall for me this time!
    A life of crime is a career choice that beckons, greedily.

    • 6’8″?! That should be illegal!

      Anyway, just watch Dog Day Afternoon on repeat until you get a good idea of how to not do it. Just do the exact opposite – go in and ask them not to give you any money. They’ll be so baffled they’ll hand over millions!

      • 6’8″ and taller has been declared legal in N.A.
        We seem too be breeding them very large over on the Prairies. Also, Texas has been producing some …. er … handsome fellows. I keep trying to push the idea of Vegetarianism on them, using myself as an example, but all I seem to get in response is a lot of hungry drooling whilst they look upon me..

        • Yes, indeed, Arnold Schwarzenegger is from Texas! What a strapping lad he was in the 1980s.

          Welllllll to support vegetarianism switch to veggy alternatives, like veggy sausages. I like them a lot. Yum.

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