Seditious spaghetti faces severe recriminations after some got entangled in Prince William’s feet and caused him to smash face first into the ground yesterday. As he recovers in hospital, the UK’s Food Standards Agency stepped in to label spaghetti the most “obnoxious food in the world” amidst calls to “bring back hanging” from outraged right wingers.
Stiff Upper Lip
Thousands of patriotic Brits flooded the streets in rancorous dismay and disgust to call for the incarceration of all spaghetti makers. This was in between floods of tears for Prince William’s predicament, along with demands he have a wig grafted to his skull to cover up his male pattern balding. The Queen made a public statement yesterday which went as follows:
"Citizens of England! For too long spaghetti has cursed our existence with its capricious might. But I say to the objectionable fiend spaghetti the following: we will not go quietly into the night. We will not varnish without a fight. We're going to live on. We're going to survive. Today... is our independence day!"
Professional Moron contacted numerous high positioned industry insiders about the fiasco, including: Honda, Apple, Google, Nintendo, Steven Spielberg, Oliver Reed, Kellogs, and Hermann Göring. Several declined to comment, whilst several others did not respond.
According to the Food Standards Agency, spaghetti has many crimes to answer for. These range from extremely serious to almightily serious and could warrant all spaghetti be jailed for a combined total of 300,000 years should the lawsuit come to fruition. Here are but a few of spaghetti’s misdeeds:
- Being too difficult to eat
- Being physically analogous to worms which, for some people, has proven nauseating
- Making people gain weight
- Taking too long to boil in a pan
- Being disgusting to eat if not cooked at all (i.e. a lack of convenience)
- Sparking off violent turf wars between itself and noodles
- Sedition (i.e. plotting the demise of the Royal Family)
- Remaining silent on all of the above matters and refusing to adapt to modern demands
Spaghetti awaits its court hearing, which will commence in the early months of January and will continue unabated until British society has the death penalty reinstated. This is, in part, to stop the perpetual, bloodthirsty calls of right wingers clogging tabloid comments sections.
Professional Moron, just before going to press, learnt the British Armed Forces will be on a state of alert this evening in the event of any spaghetti bolognese dinners becoming destructive. Field Marshal Sir Thomas Blamey said: “Don’t blame me if this goes wrong, but in the event of untoward spaghetti behaviour, dowse your kitchen in petrol, set it on fire, and flee to higher ground.” More news to follow.