The Professional Moron staff recently hit problems with a stupid printer which gave us grief. It’s as if the thing was deliberately being awkward and ate up about 10 hours of our time trying to make it work. We got our own back – the pile of crap is now obliterated and sitting prettily in the recycling section of our office. May no one have mercy on its soul.
This got us thinking, though. Shouldn’t printers be a bit more cutting edge these days? We bought a new one and, indeed, they are. Suitably satisfied, but still attracted to the idea of a winsome printer, we got out invention goggles on. The result? The PrintErr! What it does, right, is print off conversational fillers so that you don’t have to say them – all you need to do is hold up the printed filler and voila! You’ll become much more interesting in conversation!
If you’re aware of fillers in conversation, you’ll likely pick up on people using them during interviews or general conversation. You may even use them liberally. It’s time to stop! It’s almost 2017, not the early, middle, or veering towards latter stages of Q4 2016 – get your act together!
If you’re still confused; fillers are used in conversation to hold one’s place in the hierarchy of talking. We covered this during our invention the ermbrella, but we’re at it again! With the PrintErr, you’ll be able to print off the likes of “um”, “er”, “erm”, “you know”, and “um” prior to any conversations and waft them about in peoples’ stupid faces when you want them to know they can’t interrupt.
The PrintErr is state of the art and costs £2,000 ($3,000) as it is a 3D printer which meticulously prints off your fillers with the worst smelling plastic in the world. NB: It does not print off any other material. If you need to print off a spreadsheet for work, for instance, you’ll end up turning up at your meeting with a giant “Erm”, making you look like the numpty you well and truly are.
“This is pointless!”
You’re pointless! The purpose of the printer is to ensure no one interrupts you! Do you like being interrupted!? It’s one of the greatest insults known to humanity, right up there with someone telling: “you smell”. The PrintErr ends all of that, although if you have a BO issue you will still stink bad.
You will, however, be able to bask in the glory of filler free conversation. Got an important job interview coming up? Stroll confidently in and dump a giant “Ummmm” on your potential employer’s lap. Out on a hot date? Shove an “Errrrmmm” into their fizzog and watch them eye you dreamily as you wax lyrical, minus of those unattractive stutters.
The PrintErr is revolutionary and will revolutionise the way revolutions occur. It will also open the door (literally, to some extent, as PrintErr fillers can also be used as doorstops) for other language based printers, such as the PrintUrg, which will 3D print your favourite undead zombie groans.