A notorious group of OAPs (old age pensioners) suffering from Old Fart Syndrome (also know as being right wing) has protested outside Downing Street this morning as modern bins aren’t what they were “back in [their] day”. At least 100 OAPs gathered and began clanging pots and pans together whilst singing hymns under the watchful eyes of 300 heavily armed policemen.
The movement was formed by 98 year old war veteran Fred Fredson who told the gathered press: “What happened to the good old days when bins were made out of steel? I don’t like them rubber bins with all them different colours and them recycling ones.” He later insinuated climate change propaganda was a form of state control which was robbing citizens of their free will. Professional Moron concurs fully with this foolish old man!
Unfazed, unelected Prime Minister Theresa May shouted from the first-floor window into the street at the OAPs whom, by around midday, were getting pretty wasted on gin and tonics and gradually stripping. May, clearly disgusted by the scene, ranted:
"Pensioners! I have a dream that one day you will all sod off and leave me alone so I can try and sort out this whole goddamn Brexit mess! If you have a problem with your bins then I suggest you talk to your local council and, under their jurisdiction, solve the matter. Now, bugger off with you!"
Outraged, the OAPs took their rave up to the next level and went Full Monty. By eventide, many were unconscious and there were at least two dozen pools of vomit strewn about the place. Fred Fredson, standing in only white speedo underwear, told the remaining journalists:
"When I were a lad, women belonged in the kitchen and would take care of the bins... now *HICK* I have to take the bins out. Well, okay, my health care assistant does it, but I can see them bins out back... looking in and there's a green 'un, a blue 'un, and a grey 'un. What's happened to the world?! We need to *HICK* bring back hanging!"
Bringing Back Hanging
Due to the relentless call of right wingers on online comments sections for the UK to bring back hanging, there is now an online petition doing the rounds to, indeed, bring back hanging. Should this petition exceed over 100,000 signatures within the next 30 days, government will consider whether it’s worthwhile lowering society to the level of savages.
If successful, capital punishment will also extend to torture or public ridicule for other misdeeds. Ironically, failing to take the bins out will be met with a public flogging. Petty theft will induce a week in the stocks and anti-monarchy statements will lead to a jab in the eye from the nearest available copper.
Finally, failing to drink tea at least three times a day will lead to Brits being hung, drawn, and quartered. This had been dropped well over 100 years ago, but Fred Fredson insists it will put the “fear of God” into younger generations or “bloody no good ****wits” as he called them. More news to follow.