Exclusive Recipe: Lassi Lasagne!

The Lassi Lasagne
Okay, so liquidise this and you’re done!

Ah, lasagne. A hearty recipe which is also sure to clog your heart – what a double whammy! Then there’s the lassi, which is a yoghurt-based drink many people have stolen from the Indian Subcontinent (near Wales?). No one has ever combined them together… until now! Oh yeah, we went there and the result is something truly bizarre to behold!

Many health freaks drink lassi as they believe it will help their gut not become bloated with indigestion or tapeworms. Sadly, only colonic irrigation is enough to rid your body of all the contaminants stored in there. Or, you know, you could just consume nothing but Red Bull for a month and watch all the stuff that flies out of your system in horror. Or you can take your intestines out with a scalpel and give them a wash in the sink with washing up liquid. It’s up to you.

Lassi Lasagne

What isn’t up to you is how you’d like your lassi lasagne served. Shaken, not stirred, Mr. Banned? Well tough! You get it straight up in a tall glass, no complaining on that one! Why so harsh? Well it’s all about presentation – blend a lasagne and, you know, the result isn’t too pretty. To be honest, it looks like someone threw up.

Still, at least it’s not as ugly as mushy peas (which looks like snot – pooey!) and other stuff like Subway sandwiches (burn!). To make the drink, though, it’s all straightforward. You just need to cook lasagne as normal (or buy a ready-made one), stuff it into your nearest blender, and leave it to stand for 30 minutes.

Meanwhile, get yourself a lassi (store bought – hell, way too much effort to make the damn thing) and chuck it into the blender. Turn the machine on at full whack for 30 minutes to really blend those ingredients together. Revel in the din of your blender going crazy, marvel as it begins spewing smoke from its orifices, and laugh as it explodes and brings your cooking experiment to an end.

Drink!

Mop up the resulting mess after the explosion (with a mop – a cloth will also do) and strain the liquid out of this device into a mug. Don’t worry if charred bits of metal or plastic get stuck in the drink – that’s your protein for the day.

After a good 30 minutes of clearing everything up, you’ll have yourself a mug full of lasagne lassi. Yes! Whilst it will look about as thirst quenching as a pint of melted butter, and it’ll be as appetising as a picture of a vomiting football hooligan, this will, nonetheless, sustain any human being with a bit of a hunger pang on the go.

That’s it! This is the beauty of the blender, you can combine positively apoplectic ingredients together to create drinks of considerable gusto. Drinking this, you will heave, but then that’s a really, really good way to lose weight now, isn’t it? So consider the lasagne lassi a triumph of involuntary, forceful expulsion of your innards all over the place.

4 comments

  1. Thank you for the recipe, I am always looking for dishes that will make me heave. I have a recipe for “lazy lasagne”. It’s called Stouffers.

  2. Whilst I woofn’t want to upset any dog owners reading, I was hoping for a Lassie recipe with a bit more bite! Something tasty to compete with staple kids meals like Flipper and Chips, Gentle Ben’s on Toast, Stir-Fry the Bush Kangaroo and the like.

    • I remember that TV show. A bit like Flipper, but with more barking and less swimming. What a brave dog that beast was. Kangaroos are good at boxing, apparently.

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