As we’ve documented before, Jeff Goldblum says “Must go faster” in Jurassic Park and Independence Day.

What sort of weird anomaly is that?! Anyway, after the “Clever girl…” quote off last week, we’re back with more Jurassic Park (having previously explained why Goldblum says “Must go faster” in two films within three years). Are you ready to be more expedient?!

Of course, Dr. Ian Malcolm was probably a bit stoned during the whole trip (which might explain the bizarre personality shift he has between the first outing and the Lost World sequel), so what if he’d have had an extra toke over the line and said something really dumb in a high stress situation? Chaotic, man.

Must go faster

The original in all its erotically charged glory. Dr. Ian Malcolm had a dating profile in 1993 and it read as follows: “Dashing chaos theory expert with quirky speaking patterns, luscious mane of man hair, and penchant for going faster seeks woman. If you want to Fly away with me to a Lost World, let’s go to the Grand Budapest Hotel and make our own Independence Day.”

Must go slower

Okay, probably not the best option, Goldblum, but you’re the chaos theory expert, eh?

Must go cook pasta

Probably not the ideal time for that in the middle of a crisis, Ian Malcolm, but whatever. We appreciate you might be a bit stoned, or something.

Mustn’t go faster

In a situation such as that, Jeff, going not faster isn’t going to do you favours.

Must get some alabaster

Yes, this will go very well with your leather jacket collection, Jeff Goldblum.

Must go get an adhesive plaster

Yeah, if that T. Rex gets you you’ll definitely need a plaster or two, squire.

Must become a newscaster

Jeff Goldblum would be excellent at giving the news, we think.

I’d grow a moustache faster

Of course you would, dear! So why don’t you, then?! Eh?! Because you can’t, that’s why! Goddamn liar.

Must move to Lancaster

After this dinosaur experience, we can’t blame you for wanting a more sedate lifestyle, man.

Must go talk to a weather forecaster

Okay, we’re not sure how this would help stop the rampaging monster.

My Mustang would go faster

There’s no need to dismiss Muldoon’s driving, man, he’s doing the best he can in a difficult situation.

Rust goes faster

Again, Dr. Ian Malcolm lays on the criticisms. We hate this with backseat drivers – just shut up, ignore the slobbering dinosaur, and let the man do his job. Or, perhaps, he was referring to Rust Cohle from True Detective series 1. We’ll never know.

And finally…

Must goat faster

At this stage of the film, the T. Rex had just dined on a goat and, thusly, this line would be rather apt. In fact, Goldblum could say “goat” in a comically emphasised silly voice – gallows humour, as it were. Laura Dern could have even patted him flirtatiously on the arm and warbled: “Oh, you! What are you like!?” and whatnot. Then Muldoon would have been all, like, “Get a room, you two!” and some “wha-wha-whhhaaaa” music would have played to ham it up a notch. Perhaps this would have ruined the tension of the scene – what do we know, we’re not film directors?