There were startling scenes of unprecedented postmodern irony yesterday across the UK as thousands of Hipsters took to the streets to mourn the lack of almond milk. The industry suffered a setback in February when a swarm of locusts decimated 600 square miles of almonds, leading to a shortage of the popular milk-substitute.
The Hipsters, seen moping about in skinny jeans and granddad jumpers, lumbered around the streets checking empty bins for almonds. This upsurge of innocuous, but annoying, behaviour meant normal citizens were frequently obstructed whilst going about their day-to-day behaviour. As such, a state of martial law was called by unelected Prime Minister Theresa May to bring some semblance of order back to the country.
Almond Milk Withdrawal
In contemporary times, milk has fallen out of favour with some and is considered a creation of the devil. Consequently, a small army of milk alternatives has risen to challenge the status quo – almond milk has spearheaded the anti-milk cause with its luscious taste and subtle hint of almonds-meets-spring water.
Hipsters, famous for wearing skinny jeans, growing stupid beards, and generally being more intelligent and better than everyone else, latched onto almond milk as the liquid of choice for their drinks and cereals. Indeed, without almond milk, a Hipster is listless and will head into unbearable withdrawal symptoms.
Tragically, citizens were soon treated to the sight of thousands of Hipsters entering this phase. Many were left prone in the streets and frothing at the mouth, although others entered a crazed frenzy and began becoming unreasonable, with antics such as entering shops, yanking their skinny jeans off, and whizzing the pants around their heads like a lasso.
Distraught citizens attempted to help the Hipsters by dabbing their feverish foreheads and offering them pistachio nuts. However, military officials soon stepped in, jabbing the butt of their rifles into do-gooders’ stupid faces, leading many PC, loony lefty libtards to comment this was unreasonable. One socialist scumbag we talked to, called Dave, said:
"Normally I ****ing hate Hipsters and think of them as lower than dog ****, but seeing them thrashing about in mental anguish has made me realise they're humans too. It's a disgrace what's 'appened. A bloody disgrace!"
We spoke to Sir General Nick Carter, the head of the UK armed forces, about why the order had come through for brute violence. His response was illuminating:
"Hipsters are subhuman scum and deserve to be treated thusly. They will simply have to endure this phase of the illness and, within 72 hours, they will be feeling their usual annoying, skinny jean sporting selves again. However, until then we have orders to ensure they don't cause a ruckus and we will pursue this order vigorously. Any Hipster seen within a mile of other citizens will be gunned down without hesitation."
Concerned citizens must stay indoors whilst the Hipsters overcome their addiction, although it’s believed, once almond milk returns to the shelves, they’ll be allowed to resume drinking the stuff as the governments makes a lot of cash from this. Again, it’s more obvious to us than ever the collapse of civilised society is due to libtard policies and loony lefty scum. More news to follow.