There were startling scenes of unprecedented postmodern irony yesterday across the UK as thousands of Hipsters took to the streets to mourn the lack of almond milk.
The industry suffered a setback in February when a swarm of locusts decimated 600 square miles of almonds, leading to a shortage of the popular milk-substitute.
The Hipsters, seen moping about in skinny jeans and granddad jumpers, lumbered around the streets checking empty bins for almonds.
This upsurge of innocuous, but annoying, behaviour meant normal citizens were frequently obstructed whilst going about their day-to-day behaviour.
As such, a state of martial law was called by unelected Prime Minister Theresa May to bring some semblance of order back to the country.
The Great Almond Milk Withdrawal
In contemporary times, milk has fallen out of favour with some and is considered a creation of the devil.
Consequently, a small army of milk alternatives has risen to challenge the status quo – almond milk has spearheaded the anti-milk cause with its luscious taste and subtle hint of almonds-meets-spring water. But there is also potato milk.
Hipsters, famous for wearing skinny jeans, growing stupid beards, and generally being more intelligent and better than everyone else, latched onto almond milk as the liquid of choice for their drinks and cereals.
Indeed, without almond milk a Hipster is listless and will head into unbearable withdrawal symptoms.
Tragically, citizens were soon treated to the sight of thousands of Hipsters entering this phase.
Many were left prone in the streets and frothing at the mouth, although others entered a crazed frenzy and became unreasonable, with antics such as entering shops, yanking their skinny jeans off, and whizzing the pants around their heads like a lasso.
Almond Milk Carnage
Distraught citizens attempted to help the Hipsters by dabbing their feverish foreheads and offering them pistachio nuts and high-carb Pot Noodle sandwiches.
However, military officials soon stepped in, jabbing the butt of their rifles into do-gooders’ stupid faces, leading many PC, loony lefty libtards to comment this was unreasonable.
One socialist scumbag we talked to, called Dave, said:
“Normally I fucking well hate Hipsters and think of them as lower than dog shit, but seeing them thrashing about in mental anguish has made me realise they’re humans too. It’s a disgrace what’s ‘appened. A bloody disgrace!”
We spoke to Sir General Nick Carter, the head of the UK armed forces, about why the order had come through for brute violence.
General Carter’s response was illuminating:
“Hipsters are subhuman bastards and deserve to be treated thus. They will simply have to endure this phase of the illness and, within 72 hours, they will be feeling their usual annoying, skinny jean sporting selves again. However, until then we have orders to ensure they don’t cause a ruckus and we will pursue this order vigorously. Any Hipster seen within a mile of other citizens will be gunned down without hesitation.”
Concerned citizens must stay indoors whilst the Hipsters overcome their addiction.
However, it’s believed that once almond milk returns to the shelves, the Hipsters will be allowed to resume drinking the stuff as the government make a lot of money from the milk alternative.
Again, it’s more obvious to us than ever the collapse of civilised society is due to libtard policies, loony lefty scum, and almond milk. More news to follow.
What I want to know is whether hipster almond milk gets caught in hipster beards (the ones last seen in fashion in 1863). I actually at a hipster sandwich once, it was delivered ‘deconstructed’ as components, which meant either that the café couldn’t be bothered putting the bits together, or that this was the latest food fashion. I couldn’t tell which…
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I like to playfully mock Hipsterism as it’s so pretentious, so I should imagine the sandwich deconstruction was some form of post-modern, high concept art which is simply beyond your average patron. It’s a fad, anyway, kind of like hippies in the ‘60s. Always interesting to observe human behaviour in action. Aiiiiiieee!
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How do they milk the almonds? Are there male and female almonds? Or are almonds hermaphroditic?
I think they just crush them with an anvil. That would do the trick, I should think. That’s how I make potato milk, anyway.