Ah, Muldoon – how you made Jurassic Park shine with your hot pants and rugged manliness. It’s a real shame when he’s eradicated towards the end of the film, bringing his manly charms to a tragic close.

It’s also kind of ironic the game hunter on the island gets killed, but dumbasses like Tim and Lex stroll out of there without a problem. Harrumphh.

Of course, Muldoon does at least get to end matters with epic final words. Not that anyone was around to hear them (apart from a bunch of bloodthirsty raptors), but then if a tree falls over in a forest, it doesn’t matter whether it made a sound or not (especially if the tree landed on your house).

But what if Muldoon had mumbled something else before being torn to shreds?

Clever girl…

Okay, so the full quote verbatim is actually: “Clever girl…” *SNARL* “ARRRRGHHHHHH!!!! YARRRGGAAHHHHH!!! ARRGHHHHH!!!!” etc. but then that’s just not very catchy is it? Or clever.

Clever boy…

Did Muldoon really know if it was a girl or a boy raptor? Given the brown trousers circumstances he found himself in, we can appreciate he might have messed it up a bit (along with messing up some other areas).

Intelligent girl…

Muldoon spends much of the film making the raptors out to be lizard geniuses, so why did he stump for merely “clever” in his description of the slobbering monstrosity?

Intellectual girl…

Or intellectual, even, as apparently these raptors are the dinosaur equivalent of Schrodinger or whatever.

Genius girl…

Or Spinoza, or something. Who knows how smart raptors are? They’re trapped on that island and we’re not bloody going there to find out!

Compound lever girl…

This is one of those stuttering, terrified gurgles Muldoon probably would have said but, you know, Hollywood likes to make things overly dramatic.

Clever squirrel…

If he’d been drunk, he may have confused the beast for a squirrel, perhaps? Perhaps that’s why he went up against a load of raptors armed only with a shotgun… yeah, can’t see that going wrong.

Clever sausage curl…

Perhaps this was Muldoon’s secret wish before he died – the haircut he could never have, as he was a man bloke.

Stupid girl…

Why compliment the rampaging monster which is about to slay you? At least give it some welly, Muldoon, and throw in an insult before you’re decimated!

Stoopid woopid girl!

That’s more like it, man!

Clever schoolgirl…

Perhaps stoned or out of it on mescaline, Mr. Muldoon would really have to be in a bad way to make this blunder.

Clever showgirl…

Men… bloody perverts!

Clever cowgirl…

Muldoon, man, this is just getting silly now, what’s this fixation on women about?!

Clever grrrrrrrrrrrl…

Had Jurassic Park been a comedy caper film, this epic line would have really hammed it up at a moment of insane brutality.

Clever grill…

Had the raptor emerged bearing a George Formby grill (perhaps showcasing what he/she would use to cook Muldoon on), this would have been a witty quip to go out on.

Clever woman…

Come on, Muldoon, it was 1993 when women’s lib was on the up. This denigrating “girl” stuff is sexist and will not stand!

Cleft foot…

Pretty accurate, have you seen those things on raptors’ feet? It’s terrifying!

And finally…

SHIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

A bit more apt, we guess, and how most people probably would react in that situation.