Star Wars: “No. I am your father.” Quote Off Extravaganza!

The Empire Strikes Back - No. I am your father.
The intergalactic version of the Jerry Springer show.

The Skywalker family – what is all that about, then? Everyone’s each other’s uncle, brother, sister, brother-in-law, step-father, or pet mongoose. Even siblings Luke and Leia, morally sound and intelligent sorts, have it off in Empire Strikes Back. To be fair, they didn’t know they were related at the time and, to be doubly fair, the scriptwriters hadn’t decided they were related yet, either.

Arguably the most famous bit in this film is when Darth Vadar, having decapitated his son Luke’s hand, announces to him he is his father. Great line – big shock. Any proof? Luke kind of just takes the megalomaniac psychopath’s word for it. With this in mind, what if Mr. Vadar had landed a different type of bombshell on Luke? For a laugh and all that.

No. I am your father.

The legendary add-in which makes the first film stupid. Luke Skywalker certainly wasn’t happy about it, too. He has a bit of a hissy fit and then throws himself into thin air – melodramatic, man. These Skywalkers are more like Skybaulkers, because they’re always baulking at everything. Lol.

No. I am your mother.

This would have thrown up a few laughs – Vadar most have had some sort of sense of humour hiding under that helmet. Luke would have been all: “Er… your voice is a bit deep for that, isn’t it?” and Vadar would have been all: “How dare you! I can choose to be any gender I want!” etc.

No. I am your sister.

Okay, so then what does that make Princess Leia? Is she Darth Vadar’s father? So then where is the family’s grandparents… is that Jar Jar Binks?! We always knew that goddamn lizard was a devious pervert!

No. I am farther.

As in, farther away from him. Did Vadar screw his lines up – did he really just mean he was standing a bit farther away from him? So they weren’t related at all? Well that clears a lot up.

No. I am your farter. Erm… father. Oops! LOL! I can’t believe I dropped that clanger, Luke!

Well… I guess we had to include this. We apologise.

No. I am your author.

In this intertextual, fourth wall breaking, self-aware version of Star Wars, Darth Vadar is writing the story of Luke Skywalker… whilst participating, Gonzo journalism style, in the whole thing. Jesus, that’s too complicated. Bring back Jar Jar, we say! Rolfmao etc.

No. I am your co-author.

In this postmodern, psychological thriller, Luke Skywalker has penned Star Wars, but it turns our Darth Vadar, his primary antagonist, has penned it with him. So it’s Fight Club in space, basically. Deep!

No. I am your dishwasher.

This just about works, so we’ve decided to include it here. Darth Vadar basically is a dishwasher, let’s face it, so there’s some truth here – he’s crammed full of electronics.

No. I am your loafer(s).

Hey, when you’re saving the Universe you’ve got to do it in the right shoes, huh? We’ve got a feeling Darth Vadar melted down would make a good pair of loafers, too.

No. I am your farmer.

The big reveal is it’s Darth Vadar who grows Luke Skywalker’s kale patch?! Okay, that’s a bit of a dud. What an anti-climax!

No. I am your wife.

We’re just throwing this one out there as a possibility. Why else do you think they spend all of their time fighting and bickering? Classic marriage. Maybe Luke had his memory wiped like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Yes. I am your father.

We’ve never understood why Darth contradicts himself at the start of the sentence. “No” – “I am your father.” Luke should have challenged this use of discourse: “Hang on, so you’re indicating you aren’t my father… which is what I knew anyway, or you’re suggesting you are my father, which doesn’t make sense as you resemble a, sort of, walrus in a power rangers suit.” Thusly, “Yes. I am your father” would have worked better.

Know, I am your father.

This would have been deceptively clever, so Vadar missed a trick here. Probably as he has a severe bout of bronchitis and was preoccupied.

Nope. I’m your daddy.

I tad more informal. If you want to connect with young Luke, Darth, you’ll have to drop the psycho tyrant diction and actions act.

No. I am your Führer.

Yeah, well I guess you bloody well are, Darth.

And finally…

No. I am your daughter.

Jesus, this would have made things pretty messed up, hey? So who did Luke Skywalker sleep with to create that fascist lunatic?! A sadist pervert?

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