Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I find my one true love?”

Finding your one true love
“For you, ma’aaaam!”

Most people will agree love is disgusting and the theory’s supporters are mentally unstable halfwits. However, if you still insist on pursuing this bizarre endeavour, you will soon find you come across a stumbling block known as “humanity”. Nevertheless, as you blunder from one weirdo to the next, steel your nerve for, somewhere out there, is your one true love. Allegedly.


Hello, Professional Moron. What the **** is up with your site's name?! It feels ridiculous I have to send this letter of yearning to such an idiotic bunch of cretins, but I've been forced to out of desperation (i.e. I've tried everywhere else). Anyway, I've looked high and I've looked low... where is my one true love? My last boyfriend, Kevin, was okay, but he wasn't the slice of absolute perfection I'm looking for. He was tall, dark, handsome, and lovely, but his nose was a bit off-centre and he's not earning the £60k a year I expect - he's only on £55k. Not husband material. What should I do?! I'm 31 and desperate to not become a spinster. HELP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP ME! Laura

Hi there, Laura! Finding your one true love is like finding your one true glove, or your one true pair of pants. Ultimately, the crotch will split open and become a bit awkward and embarrassing for you to wander around in public with these things attached to you, but as you’re in a comfort zone with them you don’t really want to shake them off.

Ultimately, you’re left in a situation where you’re sitting there at work and, finally, someone comes over to you and says: “Sorry, but you’re exposing yourself in public. Get your act together!” Then, from shame, you go out and buy yourself a pair of new pants. Your relationship with a one true love is destined for such a fate.

What is Love?

You can look all over the place to find your one true love. Popular locations for many are when apocalyptically drunk on a student night out. Waking up the next morning with no idea who the other person in bed with you is a sure indication you’ve found your match. Indeed, many a modern marriage has been forged through such means.

If this didn’t happen to you, however, your only other option in older age is to try online dating, a sinister world of freaks and oddballs which in no way reflects how many sinister freaks and oddballs there are in the real world (indeed, they all congregate online). Mow your way through this lot and, after 100 dates, you will eventually come across the hunk of your dreams.

For most people, their one true love is essentially an extension of themselves, psychologically as opposed to physically, but this can be equated through an analogy as something of an extra limb. Indeed, your future husband is basically an extra foot.

Popular One True Love Locations

Of course, it’s not all as clear-cut as getting wasted, groping someone, and then forgetting about it. That’s tedious reductionism in action, Laura. There are plenty of locations where you can find the man bloke of your dreams, so here is a definitive selection of a few of them:

  • In space (if you’re an astronaut)
  • Down the local gym (sweating profusely until you pass out is a great way to get attention from buff men)
  • At work – pull whoever earns the most by wearing provocative clothing and undermining (i.e. bullying) female colleagues into an insecurity complex (so they don’t try the same tactic, you see)
  • Whilst driving – as seen on Ally McBeal. See your total dreamboat man in a car on the opposite side of the road? Simply drive your vehicle into his to bag your date!
  • Snorkelling – Take to the surf to find hunky men trying not to be eaten alive by ravenous great white sharks. Drop a quip to him as you thrash about in panic whilst encircled by a small army torpedoes with teeth: “LOL! We’re gonna need a bigger boat!” etc.
  • Fast food joints – Loads of adorable spotty chavs with anger management issues hang loose in these places. Peruse them at your leisure whilst tarted up until one of them turns out to have an IQ above 80 – he’s your man!


  1. Have you any further suggestions , I’ve done all this. You failed to mention that online dating is also a great place for con artists to hang out should they be interested. Thank
    You Aunt Agony what would we do without your wisdom. I bow.


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