It’s become apparent to us our readers know little about the main man behind Professional Moron, so we’ve requisitioned a beat and have managed to corner our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif. He’s agreed to give a remarkably rare interview as a result – these are the questions we posed to him.
Mr. Wapojif – The Interview
This interview occured on 02/05/2017 at around 1pm, just after Mr. Wapojif had enjoyed his lunch and had a ginger tea on the go (one of the better times to approach him). The following is the whole interview verbatim – it lasted about 10 minutes and, we think you’ll agree, offers candid insights into the great man.
Hello there, Mr. Wapojif, and thank you for your time. we know you’re a busy, volatile man and it’s not often you’re out of jail long enough to get your opinions on something.
Right… first question! How would you Define yourself, Mr. Wapojif?
I am a human being who gestates on the planet Earth. I enjoy picking my nose and staring at things, whilst gestating, especially into the middle-distance.
Are you married?
I prefer to consider myself as a solipsistic entity who gestates on a planet whilst observing others groping each other.
What does that mean?
I am not sure.
Okay, a shaky start… so, do you have a girlfriend?
Are you flirting with me?
No, I’m just trying to…
As I assure you I’m only interested in gestating. Arguing about sandals isn’t my thing.
Yes, sandals. If a man in a relationship wears sandals, the woman always belabours him for his sins.
So you enjoy wearing sandals?
Not at all, I think anyone who does so is a freak of nature. However, it’s the principle of it all.
Okay… so what made you create Professional Moron?
I was charged by God to create something which would confound the masses. This is the result.
What did God say to you?
He said: “Mr. Wapojif… create Professional Moron!” in a booming, deep voice. So I followed his orders, as he said he’d strike me down with plague, scurvy, and gout if I ignored him. I told him I already have scurvy, but this just enraged him and he started shouting obscenities at me.
fabulous! so, to create the site, whom, who, or what, are, or were, some of your inspirations?
The only thing that inspires me is my lack of inspiration.
In that case, What is your greatest fear?
Being attached to an atomic bomb and launched into the Sun whilst rap music plays at full volume. Actually, just rap music in general.
Who is your hero?
I greatly admire sandwich makers.
You… you mean chefs, right?
No, sandwich makers, although I do agree chefs are useful in the event of a large tsunami or tornado.
Moving on, do you consider yourself a sex symbol?
Yes, in as much that I gestate solipsistically on a planet and have been observed by other individuals. How much more erotically charged can it get than that?
What are your political beliefs?
You can open doors, barriers, and more with a well-aimed bazooka.
So you’re an anarchist?
Don’t be absurd! I’m a pacifistic neo-liberal far right centrist warmonger who embraces variety as the spice of life (and death).
Are you religious?
I am atheistically inclined towards Buddhism, agnosticism, and fundamental Christianity. I went to a Christian Primary School in the late ’80s – there I learnt how to preach it like a SOB so I don’t go to Hell, although I stylise myself as an atheist so I don’t have to arse about praying and all that jazz. Ideally, I’d prefer it if a 300 tonne hamster called Margaret invented the Universe for no apparent reason.
Well, why not?!
It just seems a bit unlikely…
Oh does it now?! But you can’t prove me wrong, can you d***head?!
Okay… do you have any kids?
I have a hamster.
But no kids?
What part of this do you not understand?! HAMSTER!
Do you have any other pets?
No, I don’t have any pets.
But… what about the hamster?
What about him?
Typically, a hamster is considered a pet.
[Adopting an incredibly patronising tone] Oh, okay then, and at what point have I ever done anything “typically”, you jumped up little s***?!
Right. So… what are your hobbies?
I have a fondness for gargling mouthwash. I like the minty freshness and how people don’t tell me my breath smells like a mule in a thunderstorm.
Indeed, I should write a poem about it. In fact… I’ll ad lib one right now!
There’s really no need…
There once was a really bad gangsta, who had a cute little pet hamster, and like a big softy git, he really loved it, but when his homies found out they shot him dead (the gangsta, not the hamster).
Okay… Who’s your favourite MuSICIAN?
How witty… who is it really?
Don’t patronise me.
I wasn’t… I was just asking…
Got you. Where’s your favourite holiday destination?
I despise all forms of travelling, apart from teleportation.
Except that doesn’t exist…
That’s just what they want you to believe.
Okay… who is “they”?
Them. [Mr. Wapojif points into the middle-distance]
Right. Moving on, do you believe in evolution?
The only thing I believe is it’s not worth believing in anything.
You’re a fan of nihilism, then?
You’re starting to get on my nerves.
I’m just trying to establish where this apathy comes from.
Apathy? I wouldn’t say that. Just last week I donated a pint of blood!
Yes, I was there, it’s because you wanted to “discover what my bones are like” so gashed your arm open with a butcher’s knife….
Yes. I donated all the blood to hospital. It was a good deed.
Of course. How is your arm?
Are you still trying to flirt with me?
Look, I’m a happily married man…
Yes, so was Slobodan Milošević.
… I’m not sure what your point is.
*sighing heavily* The point is this – when you have a forename which makes you sound like you slobber all over the place, and can still get married, then even someone as mightily grotesque as you will be able to find a bride on a planet of seven billion people!
I’m not sure if I should be offended.
We’re not going on a date, quit bothering me.
Wrapping Things up, we have to say thank you for this most illuminating talk, Mr. Wapojif! It’s been a real pleasure meeting someone as HIGHly intelligent, accomplished, and drop dead gorgeous as yourself.