It’s 20 years since the Spice Girls introduced feminism to the world for the first time with the insanely irritating debut hit single Wannabe. This song made you want to be a pop singer – even if you were a bloke, you felt compelled to yank on a skirt, wear a suggestive t-shirt, and strut your stuff in what eventually become known as twerking. It was some seriously hot s***!
Cut to 2017 and, of course, this generation of men is now emotionally scarred and prone to bouts of self-reflection and what is known as being “considerate”. Between bouts of selfie-induced depressive fits, excessive personal hygiene, and ubiquitous flatulence, your average man dreams only of pizza and what he could have achieved had he not spent his youth groping himself so bloody much. This is where the pizza-zigazig ah kicks into life, for it provides the comfort food every 30-something male needs to overcome a mid-life crisis.
“So I tell you what I want, what I really, really want” (!!!) and what I really, really, really, really want is spices. Lots of spices. We’re not on about scary spices or any of that garbage, we’re talking about red hot bloody chilli powder – you see, to zigazig ah your pizza you have to spice the damn thing up a notch until the sweat is pouring from your stupid face.
We’ve also added “laughing powder” into the pizza (to our disappointment, there isn’t such a thing, so we created it by merging asparagus extract, a pinch of salt, and a giant wodge of several highly illegal banned substances). Why would we do such a thing? We want this pizza to make you forget about your woes. We also want you to come across as a bit of a crazed despot.
Thusly, as you sit there sweating profusely and cackling like a madman (or woman – we’re tolerant on this site), the pizza will imbue in you a sense of elation. For those of you watching you eat the pizza, it will imbue in them a sense of overwhelming concern for your wellbeing.
As such, we suggest you take the pizza-zigazig ah into a public area, consume with relish, and then wait for people to rush to your aid. Attention – that’s all you need! Naturally, some people will flee for their lives, and others may call the pigs (i.e. police), but when you’ve got a tasty meal on your hands, and an assortment of folks saying “Are you alright, mate?”, you’ll be happy you turned to Professional Moron to slake your hunger.
Professional Moron is unhappy to report it (as in the collective “we”) was (and were) contacted by several Spice Girls members and berated for breaching copyright. It is left to our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, to indicate the Spice Girls themselves were in breach of numerous spice (as in the foodstuff) laws 20 years ago and have, based on our research, provided no compensation, or any form of remuneration, to spices such as nutmeg, turmeric, chilli, cinnamon, or marmite.
Thusly, it is our learned opinion the Spice Girls is a girl band populated by hypocrites. Furthermore, in addition to the aforementioned thusly, we indicate we shan’t kowtow to the unreasonable fiscal demands of a girl band who plagued the charts with songs such as Spice up your Life (if any a song deserved to be sued, this is evidently it), 2 Become 1 (a physical impossibility), and Say You’ll Be There (this depends entirely on context).
As such, we will plow on with our intentions to mass produce the pizza-zigazig ah and we wannabe sure you enjoy it. Consequently, for every third pizza-zigazig ah you buy from us, you’ll get the 20th pizza-zigazig ah FREE if you post a picture of yourself online making racist slurs. If this isn’t for you, you’ll instead receive a voucher for 1% off your 50th order. Enjoy!