Breaking News: Washing Down Liquid to Hit Supermarket Shelves and Facilitate Pessimists

Washing down liquid
Don’t get too depressed, now.

The washing up liquid industry has been dealt a hammer blow by the arrival of washing down liquid, which intends to disrupt market leaders by targeting depressed people and those with a pessimistic outlook on life. The liquid, which is made out of normal washing up liquid ingredients but with an added dose of doom-and-gloom promoting gin, will be available from September 2017.

The CEO of American company Washington Down (Mark Markington), who is spearheading the movement, has been bolshy on the matter. He stated: “I’m doing this to make people bankrupt and miserable. I deserve to be rich. Everyone else should be poor.” It is believed washing down liquid will be priced at £20 ($30) for a litre.

Washing Down Liquid

Professional Moron understands, from its sources, an aggressive marketing campaign will ensure the product invades the market – this includes those 30 second YouTube ads which you can’t skip. From there, it’s expected washing up and down liquid turf wars will disrupt life, with riot police on standby in case a full-scale war erupts by the end of the year.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has attempted to step in to act as a mediator, but it is believed Mark Markington has rejected this proposal. In an official press release also published on the washing down liquid website, he stated:

"Washing up liquid has had its day. There are just too many bubbles. In these dark times, it's important consumers realise they are worthless scum, and this is especially the case when they're scrubbing bits of leftover pie from their crockery. A more pertinent piece of timing for their pathetic existence could not be more apparent. This is where washing down liquid steps in. It is the perfect product. It will ruin your life."

The Customer is Always Wrong

Mark Markington will be promoting the maxim “The customer is always wrong” in order to escape the “erroneous” maxim “The customer is always right”. People buying washing down liquid will also be beaten with trudgens by hired heavies there to remind them “life is all about subservience and doing the dishes”. Markington has indicated:

"I want people crying real tears when leaving stores with our product. It's about a memorable customer journey, from the initial stage of entering the store, scanning for products, being amazed by this dazzling new washing down liquid, receiving a whack to the head once you take a closer look, and getting an elbow in the ribs when you've made your purchase. Embrace the pain - this is all you're good for."

Washing down liquid itself is environmentally friendly and made out of plant-based products derivative of washing up liquid. The gin is added at the end stage of production and is spiced up with petrol and bleach to ensure the toxic fumes leave consumers feeling drowsy and unhappy.

As Markington confirms, “miserable bastards” will then have more to complain about, and will be regularly heards making statements such as “what’s the world coming to?” or “back in my day it weren’t like this…” as they scrape lumps of ready-made lasagne off a plate, exactly like they did 20 years ago. More news to follow.

4 comments

  1. Okay, I get the washing down, but what about from my waist up? Do I start at my neck, and use a downward scrubbing motion? What about my face? Gin is far too harsh, unlike the bleach and petrol, which would uber cleanse and moisturize. Will there be a facial scrub… with red wine perhaps?

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