Exclusive Recipe: Lemon Migraine Pie (skip work in style!)

Lemon Migraine Pie
Lemon migraine pie – the best migraine on the market!

Meringue is one of those weird things which people convince themselves is amazing but, really, it’s not as amazing as it should be. The same goes for migraines. Whether it’s screaming kids on a bus, screaming adults on a bus, screaming drunks on a bus, or just buses, it’s very easy to get a migraine these days (especially if you’re near a bus).

Desserts don’t typically give you a migraine, unless you, like, eat 50 tubs of ice cream in a row. It is our belief this type of a migraine should be more easily achieved, however, especially for those who are wanting a more effective sick note for work than: “I’m sorry, I’m extremely hungover.” This is where the lemon migraine pie kicks in – it’ll give you a most viable excuse!

Lemon Migraine Pie

Lemon? Check. Sugar? Check. Butter? Check. Meringue? No! Meringue is replaced by bleach. Result – lemon migraine pie. This is the migraine factor! Don’t underestimate the migraine factor. This factor is like the X factor, except more prone to giving you a volatile headache which will leave you gurgling rather strangely.

It’s important to stress this is still a relatively enjoyable dessert. You can still tuck in after a dinner of, for instance, treacle toffee and mushrooms. It looks appetising, it’s just the innards are designed to ensure you’ll be thoroughly ineffective for a considerable amount of time after the dessert is consumed. Incompetent, even, so don’t battle on into work – rest on up and puke yourself silly!

It really depends on how long you want to be off work – this is a precise formula at work here. This is why we have four sizes for the pie: small, medium, large, and gargantuan. The latter is an extra, extra, extra large lemon migraine pie which will really put you on your toes. Well… quite the opposite, actually, you’ll be left slammed out in bed for a month. All you’ll need to do is ring up work, attempt to speak, and a cacophony of puking, stomach gurgling, and putrid effluence will immediately convince them you’re unfit for duty.

“Why Bleach?”

It’s funny you should ask us this. Chemical grade bleach plays a major part in many of our inventions and recipes – we love the stuff! Unfortunately, it tends to make one rather unpleasantly ill. Simply hanging around the stuff and its stench is enough to make you lightheaded and nauseous, which isn’t always what you want from a delicious dessert.

As such, we wouldn’t recommend serving this recipe to, for instance, dinner guests. Unless, of course, the guests turning up are people you really hate – then you might be tempted. If it’s a hot date you’re trying to impress, though, this one isn’t on the cards, we’re afraid. If you need further convincing – when you’re rushing them to hospital and they’re trying to strangulate you, you’ll realise it was all a terrible idea. So – save it for those special occasions (i.e. you want an extra long weekend in bed binge watching Netflix).


  1. Interesting! I make really fab pies, and have been looking to expand my repertoire. Coincidentally, lemon meringue was at the top of my list…. until this! Another ….. ah …. recipe whose time has come from Professional Moron.


    • I tell you what, I used to make Cauliflower Cake. No word of a lie, it’s Yottam Ottolenghi’s recipe – Google it! Very tasty it is, too. It’s not really a cake, it’s more of a, sort of, pie… without the pastry.


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