Exclusive Invention: pRam! (a pram with a battering ram on it)

Pram with a battering ram on it
The task was to take this and make it insanely dangerous.

Not wishing to stereotype, but mothers with prams are some of the most dangerous people behind the pram. They will barge you out of the way as if you do not exist, try and force you off the pavement, and will generally treat their position on the public sidewalk as if they own the space they’re on, the space a mile up the road, and everything else into perpetuity.

To facilitate this obnoxious attitude, we’ve invented the pRam, which is a normal pram but with an enormous battering ram on the front. These were popular in Medieval times during battles and were effective at knocking castle gates down. With the pRam, mothers will be easily able to decimate the local community by shoving innocuous citizens out of the way, and they’ll also have no problem smashing their way back into their homes should they have lost their keys!


Although some argue we go out of our way to court severe injury and general chaos, our inventions are invented merely to try and improve peoples’ lives. The pRam is no different, it simply will help to improve a certain sect of peoples’ lives, whilst ruining others. It’s a difficult balance to find but, when sprogs are involved, we think our focus on brutal safety enforcement is a brilliant idea and perfectly justified.

It’s plain and simple – the pRam is a pram with a battering ram on the front of it. We sourced the battering ram from a Medieval armament centre. Normally they provide the product for shows – reenactments etc. We had to lie and say we were putting on a battering ram festival in Manchester city centre, so they sent us 500 of the things and a 10% discount for future stock. Bonus!

By hacking the rams up we now have 1,000 pRams ready and waiting for eager mothers! The prams are a lovely pink colour, with the savage looking wooden spike fearsomely protruding from the top section of the pRam. When testing the product in Manchester city centre, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif (who dressed up as a lady for added effect) found it particularly effective to scream “Chhhharrrgeeeee!!!!” and sprint towards anyone in his way. Result? They legged it one – the pRam, an unqualified success!

Pram-Based Destruction

Whilst prams are, typically, considered as somewhat innocuous products, we’re aware the pRam may instigate considerable feelings of peril amongst other citizens. Rest assured, if you’re feeling threatened we’ve invented a jousting spear which will give you a fighting chance against being pulverised by the pRam.

Mr. Wapojif and the office apprentice trial ran this concept in Manchester’s Piccadilly Gardens. Quite a crowd gathered as the two charged each other down (never fear – a sack of flour was the makeshift baby in his pRam), with the result being our apprentice spending several hours unconscious, whilst Mr. Wapojif was arrested for another night in the cells. It’s not clear if we’ll be launching this jousting product. It seems more trouble than it’s worth.

* Please note, on Saturday afternoon (16/09/17) we accidentally published an incomplete version of this article and some of our readers received emails with this unfinished post. There was an ugly riot outside the Professional Moron office about this injustice – as things turned nasty, we had to rev up the flamethrower and bring out the water cannons to disperse the crowd. Rest assured, as our valued readers this was only a rare mistake and, after a severe flogging with a rusty chain, our staff will be sure to avoid similar antics in future. Your esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif


  1. Well, well, the pRam is quite spectacular, but not as much as the floggings with rusty chains! That must have been a fab time for all. Will you be marketing a rusty chain flogging implement in the future?


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