Originally titled Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie in the concept and production stage, we renamed our debut gangsta rap album Aiiiiiiiiie for marketing purposes (it’s catchier). On a budget of £100 million, we think we’ve produced the greatest rap album of all time!
Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, is the brains behind it all, and he’s been strutting his stuff all month in baggy pants, a cap put on backwards (goddamn maverick or what?!), and a dodgy gold medallion. He also got a tattoo on his forehead which says Poohead – that’ll show ’em!
There are 10 sick tracks on Aiiiiiiiiie, blud. So, brah, you can pre-order from iTunes from November 2018 (the album release is delayed a year in order for Mr. Wapojif to get shot and spend 12 months in jail so he can emerge as the badass real deal). It’ll cost £50. Here are the tracks, penned by Mr. Wapojif.
- U iz a Biatch
- U Disrespek Me, Aiiiiiiiiie Shoot u Wiv Gun
- Shut it u Slag!
- Aiiiiiiiiie (iz a gangsta)
- Aiiiiiiiiie (iz ded rich)
- Uh Huh, Yeah
- Get Wiv da Thymes
- Diss & Da
- Laterz u Mofo
- Daffodils iz Nice
The centrepiece of da album is track 6, Uh Huh, Yeah, which is a masterpiece. It’s 45 minutes long and is on a cyclical loop, with the lyrics repeating over and over as a sick beat loops in the background. Warning: It’s been known to cause seizures for those with an IQ above 70.
Mr. Wapojif took inspiration from numerous sources in order to pen his classic debut gangsta rap album, citing examples of extreme, pointless violence, casual misogyny, and general vacuity as “sublime instances of creative generation, biatch”. Although much of the album is under raps (buh dum tish) to create hype amongst the dimwitted masses, here’s a sample of what’s in store using track 10, Daffodils iz Nice, as an example.
Daffodils iz nice, like a big bucket of ice, some of which is covered in lice [Backing Vocals: Aiiiiiiieeeee, uh huh, yeah]. Daffodils iz nice, kind of like Condoleezza Rice, tho not a bit like mice. [Chorus] Daffodils iz nice, biatch [Repeat 12 times]. Daffodils iz nice, like a packet of rice, tho I ain't dissin' Mz. Condoleezza Rice, coz she is well nice. [Backing Vocals: Uh huh, yeah]. Daffodils iz nice, so I ain't gonna say it twice, coz I'm whacked out on spice [Repeat verse a second time].
As you may be able to tell by now, we’re dealing with a work of genius. Mr. Wapojif has been humble about his accomplishment, although he has taken to parading around Manchester city centre with his top off, pushing people, and shouting “You startin’? YOU STARTIN’?!” to generate more respek.
This is part of his promotional tour, which will begin in the UK but also take in parts of America, Canada, Wales, Barbados, Moscow, Australia, and, of course, China. Mr. Wapojif will be attending press conferences in full rap costume and will respond to all questions with aloof belligerence, with dabs of barely comprehensible youth slang thrown in for good measure. To familiarise yourselves with this, please read Mr. Wapojif’s press release below and buy his album next year!
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie! When I first conceived da notion of Aiiiiiiiiie one was under the melioristic credence dat a cathartic exercise would, essentially, alleviate da saccharine and obstreperous nature of other popular music, biatch. Public nescience on da nature of gangsta rapping, mofo, is indicative of cultural appropriation lent derelict substantiation through means of abnegation, innit. With da release of Aiiiiiiiiie, one hopes to address, through puerile macho posturing and superfluous profanity, da glaring hubris within da musical industry. By doing so, da pernicious kurtosis at play amongst da milquetoast naysayers will reach a natural cessation through galvanising anthems such as track 7: Get Wiv da Thymes. Aiiiiiiiiie believe there is pertinence within da lyrics which shall shake up da world, blud. Should you merely glance at da following you shall agree: "Get wiv da thymes, cos if you ain't got no rhymes, den you iz deader dan window blinds." Indeed, innit.