The thing about skyscrapers is they scrape the sky, which is bad for the ozone layer. Whether you think they’re pretty to look at or a bleedin’ eyesore, you have to agree the ozone layer is all-important. Without it, all the air would leak out of the Earth’s atmosphere and humanity would have to go everywhere with oxygen tanks fitted. Ever tried chatting someone up with an oxygen tank and mask strapped to your fizzog? Exactly, not even Brad Pitt could make that look good.
This reality doesn’t have to continue! No. With skyscoopers, the ozone layer will be left well alone as the natural scoop shape of the skyscooper ensures there aren’t any sharp bits around. Better yet, the skyscooper serves as an excellent ice cream scoop, so long as you’re willing to climb all the way to the top of one with a tub of ice cream to perform such an endeavour. Well, why not?
You could argue it’s easier to stand on the ground and scoop ice cream than climb a 1,000ft skyscooper. Many would consider it’s abject stupidity to attempt such a thing… but when you’re staring at the magnificence of a giant skyscooper with a scoop so scoopy it’ll make you just want to scoop. So, hoiking up your underpants you’ll scale that SOB with your favourite ice cream in tow. You can do it, comrade!
You will suffer issues along the way, such as vertigo, terror, fear, a sense of ridiculousness, and more, plus your ice cream will start to melt due to the time it takes to scale the thing, but with commitment you’ll reach the enormous 100ft by 100ft scoop at the top of the skyscooper and then you can get ready to scoop!
What are the benefits of this seemingly pointless and ridiculous endeavour? Well, stupid, how about the physical exercise? That’s a bonus. You’d potentially discover a new mountaineering hobby, you’d conquer your fear of heights, and you’d enjoy some spectacular views! Just try not to slip, or anything, as you wouldn’t end up scooping anything. You’d just be a splat on the ground and someone else would be scooping you up.
If you’re busy thinking “Scoop this, you crazy fu…” just wait there, now now, there’s no need to be rude! All we’re suggesting here is you commit yourself to a healthy endeavour. All you need to do is get out there, climb a vertical building which soars into the sky, and return home safely. What could be more enjoyable than that? Not even bobsledding.
Anyway, we began construction of the first skyscooper yesterday out behind the Professional Moron office. This has been going really well – it’s leaning slightly, like the Leaning Tower of Pisser, but it’s propped itself successfully against next door’s easterly facing wall. The residents are pretty outraged by this, but we just told them to “mind you’re goddamn business, you Commies!”.
It’s midday as we write this and it’s now at 10ft, which is a good test model size. We stuck the giant scoop on top and Mr. Wapojif scrambled on up there. Unfortunately, he slid out of the slippery scoop and shattered his leg on the concrete floor of the Professional Moron courtyard. Undeterred, he used the length of shin bone protruding from his lower extremity to cut open the ice cream tub lid and dine heartily. Another genius invention!