As we all know, the terrible outbreak of selfie-taking has robbed many human beings of their right to an enjoyable life. Now plagued with the need to take endless photographs of themselves, and have these images validated online with comments such as “babe u look like well fit” and “aiiiiieeee like a bit of dat”, selfie-takers are nothing but victims of a terrible addiction. Based on today’s example, this is how you can help friends and family overcome chronic selfie-taking.
Dear Professional Moron. My bird is belting and all that, but she has this, right, selfie taking problem. She spends an hour taking hundreds of pictures of herself, then the next two hours adding filters and all that crap before loading them up to her social media accounts. She then, perched by her phone, waits for all the adoration to flow in. When I tell her she's wasting her life, she elbows me in the gut and calls me a "stupid git". I find this really hurtful and have already cried about it twice today. Worse still, if she doesn't get at least 100 Loves on Instagram, and at least three sexist remarks along the lines of "bae u so fiiiiine", she has a personal meltdown and refuses to speak to anyone in the evening. When I quiz her over why she does all this, she says it's "got nothing to do with narcissism, you stupid git!" and "it's about my PERSONAL EXPRESSION!". I asked her what's so expressive about pouting half naked in front of a mirror, but she just elbowed me in the gut again. I'm crying while I write this. What should I do? I'm a broken man! Ta very much, Dave.
Dear Dave, we sympathise with your plight and will do what we can to cure your girlfriend of the terrible addiction. Simply put, she has kowtowed to peer pressure and is merely aping the new societal norm of putting oneself on a public stage for acceptance. If one isn’t seen to be taking selfies, no matter the occasion, one is a social outcast, eyesore, and complete waste of space. This is where your “bird” is coming from with all this – she just wants to fit in.
The Selfie: Signs & Symptoms
The problem with wanting to fit in, of course, is it makes one’s behaviour irritating. Thusly, we’ve come up with a way of telling if you, or your significant other, has a selfie-taking problem. Please take the below test before continuing – if you answer Yes to more than two of the below, you have an addiction and need immediate medical assistance:
- I know what selfies are – Yes/No
- I take selfies – Yes/No
- I can’t see anything wrong with selfie-taking – Yes/No
- No occasion is inappropriate for a selfie – Yes/No
- I’m way too hot not to take selfies – Yes/No
- My public needs me – Yes/No
- Selfies make me whole – Yes/No
Once you’ve identified whether she is an addict, you can begin the procedure of finding a cure. This is a long process of abstinence which may induce severe withdrawal symptoms in the selfie-taker – remove from her all cameras, but brace yourself for the onset of repressed narcissism.
The selfie-taker will become listless and restless – he or she will need to occupy his or herself through some other means. You may find he or she heads off into town to strut about pouting and will approach random strangers for a rating of how nice he or she looks.
Leave him or her to this. However, within 24 hours he or she will become a slobbering wreck of nerves as the selfie-taking urge leaves his or her system. Simply ignore him or her as he or she dribbles and thrashes about on the floor – this process may last several hours, but once complete he or she will be eager to pursue more wholesome activities (such as yodelling).