The battle axe was an extremely useful implement back in Medieval times when one often needed to annihilate a relentless swarm of lunatics, monsters, and invaders. Now the monsters and invaders are all gone, so the axe isn’t particularly useful, especially given we now have self-defense items such as the bazooka, karate, finger jab to the eye, or a good old traditional kick in the knackers.
Things are a lot more civilized these days, leaving the world’s citizens with more time to crack open a bottle of wine and discuss what their favourite erotic novel is. However… don’t you often yearn to be able to defend yourself when drinking wine? We mean, wine drinking leaves one in a rather relaxed and insecure situation. Other than hiring armed guards to, like, guard you 24/7, or forking out for another bazooka at the local supermarket, your only option is to get a battle axe. Or… the wine bottle axe!
The Wine Bottle Axe
It’s really quite simple, even an idiot could have thought of this. All we’ve done is create a wine bottle and then have a battle axe implemented into it. Indeed, the blade protrudes from the neck of the bottle and is sharp enough to be able to slice a sheet of paper, prick a finger, or cause severe grievous bodily harm.
If you think we’re being paranoid about the need to defend oneself when drinking wine and socialising, consider the following scenarios which could arise at any second:
- You are sipping at your wine glass when into your living room bursts your husband and his drunken friends, all of whom are roaring football chants and all of whom are clutching a Christmas Donner Kebab. Do you politely sit there and put up with this offense, or do you hack them all down mercilessly in order to continue enjoying Blue Planet II?
- You are in your garden enjoying a sophisticated dinner party when guest rich Richard ruins your dinner party by showcasing his £1,000 iPhone X, plus his new sparkling white £10,000 teeth, and his trophy wife and her various combined £40,000 plastic surgery enhancements. Your guests forget it’s your event… are you going to put up with this or are you can’t to hack Richard to pieces with your wine bottle axe, which hasn’t quite wowed in the way you expected?
- You’re on a date, but the woman you’re with accuses you of being pedestrian and dull – infuriated, you order the most dangerous bottle of wine off the menu. 10 years later, you’re married and you have 17 kids – all thanks to the wine bottle axe. Hurray!
- There’s another dull Christmas office party… what can you get in to spice things up and lent all that pent up frustration, stress, and repression out? The blade of sociability – the wine bottle axe. Yes! Tell Dave from accounts what you think of his daily microwaved tuna dinners now.
Marketing Campaign
Obviously, this isn’t the type of product you can just go and pick up off the shelves, threaten security with, and run out into the street without paying. No. You have to order them direct from Professional Moron – we’ll deliver to you NEXT DAY (at a £20 charge). But don’t worry, if you’re not in we’ll simply smash your door down with the wine bottle axe!
We’ll leave the bottle snugly in your fridge where it can be nicely chilled upon your return home, at which point you can drown your sorrows at the loss of your front door! Of course, if you’re wondering about the quality of the wine within, rest assured it is of the lowest quality money can buy! Hey, it’s all for show, you know, there’s a bloody axe on the side of your wine bottle… were you expecting this to be gourmet? Imbecile.
Professional Moron 
I purchased a battle axe at the Army Bavy store on my way to pick up a couple of bottles of Silver Satin. They seemed like good combination.
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I prefer a good hearty spade as, if any policemen suddenly arrive, it just looks like you’re about to do some digging, rather than indulging in warfare. Good thinking, non?
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Digging is frowned on, especially in a very dark brushy place, they always want to check your trunk.
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To test this, I went walking to work today (and into the office) with a shovel and got some of the strangest looks. Slight subversion and people just can’t hack it. What’s the world coming to!?
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I try to always bring a shovel and boots to work with me .
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There’s a video game called Shovel Knight, you know. Did you know? Good game it is, too!
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Shovel Knight ? I will have to ck out BBC !
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It’s a video game, madam. The BBC aren’t involved.
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Rats, okay then. I thought it was sort of like Dr. Who. I feel so foolish.
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That’s okay. Google it! Shovel Knight – images, ahoy!
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Oh, that looks like fun and just $25.00 for Treasure Trove. Ahoy, I’m on board.
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Yeah it’s a really awesome video game, actually, so get it… or regret it (good marketing lingo, eh?).
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you should be getting a commission!
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I should, as well!
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Get it in writing
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No.
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Fine, but don’t come complaining to me….
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Note to self: Ensure I complain extensively to House of Heart. Yeah. See what I did there?
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Turned it around on me eh? That’s ok, two can play that game 🙂
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I like two player games, so that’s fine. Super Mario Kart? Good choice!
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Oh! It’s right there, you said video game. 40 lashes over here.
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Duuuh! You must read, madam!!! I wrote Shovel Knight, not BBC televisual feast Shovel Knight (as presented by Michael Palin). That’d be a good show.
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I feel so ashamed.
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Hang your head in shame, madam!
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I am, see.
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You know, between you and Holly, I can’t get a word in edgewise! All I want to know is it red wine or white wine, the country of origin, type of grapes, alcohol percentage and vintage. I know you said it was not gourmet, but there must be some redeeming value… besides a free axe head.
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Okay, I need to draw a line in the and here: nd – you two, stop it! This is a perfectly acceptable invention which I’m merely trying to become insanely rich through duplicitous means by. Please respect this. I’ve worked hard here. Harrrumph!
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Ohhh welll! if you insist! Can I just know if it’s red or white wine?
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Red. As red as communists! AS RED AS THE BOLT OF LIGHTNING THROUGH LENIN’S EYEBALLS!
Just so you know.
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Hmm… Me + axe + alcohol = bad idea 🙂
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Mixing alcohol with axes is a bad idea. I once thought about opening a drunk go-karting centre, but the idea wouldn’t be allowed in England. Still, it’d be hilarious! Like a real-life Mario Kart.
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No joke – there is an axe-throwing bar near me. Surprisingly. nothing bad has ever happened there, yet…
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Popular pastime in Canada, eh? Over here the closest we have to that is darts. However, we also enjoy drunken football riots and complaining. Which is cool.
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Yup! We’re all a bunch of beer drinking lumberjacks over here 🙂
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