Exclusive Recipe: Christmas Donner Kebab

Christmas Donner Kebab
“Where’s me bloody Christmas kebab?!”

The Christmas Dinner is a British staple. We don’t know about the rest of the world, but a Christmas without a Christmas dinner is a like Mount Everest without snow – easier to climb but, ultimately, simply not the same. Indeed, which is why the Christmas Dinner is so revered here, as is the donner kebab. The latter is a particular favourite for drunk students at 2am, who can stagger about spilling most of the kebab everywhere and have no memory of it all seven hours later.

This is a shame as the donner kebab should be as memorable as the Christmas Dinner, which is why we’ve invented the Christmas Donner Kebab. What this thing is, right, is the Christmas Dinner inserted into the traditional donner kebab. In other words, it’s a Christmas Dinner lodged into a pitta bread just for the sheer filthy nature of it all. Well, why not?

Christmas Donner Kebab

Here at Professional Moron, we’re proud of our callous disregard of the well-being of our readers. We don’t have your best interests at heart, but we do try and encourage you to go out there and experience things which will either clog your arteries, kill you outright, or leave you with some impressive scars.

The Christmas Donner Kebab won’t leave you with an impressive new war wound, but it will ensure you achieve the impossible this yuletide – all of your Christmas dinner in a solitary pitta bread. You have to be a genius to work out how to do that and, thankfully, we’re too dumb to realise we’re utter cretins, so can plough on remorselessly.

Now, obviously, you can’t fit an entire roast dinner into a pitta bread… unless, of course, you make the pitta bread abnormally huge. That’s the trick to getting around this problem and, thusly, we’ve gone and created the world’s biggest pitta bread. It wasn’t that difficult, to be honest, it just needs to be extra strong in order to support the vast weight of a full Christmas dinner, gravy and all!

The World’s Biggest Pitta Bread!

To make these, we had to build an extension on our oven, which we achieved using a sledgehammer, stealing our neighbour’s oven, and then welding the two units together. We’re no experts with welding but it’s a decent job, even if we accidentally joined the washing machine up with our new deluxe oven.

The downside to the above is, once we put our underpants on a three hour long deep cleanse with extra spin, the juddering from the washing machine causes the ovens to split apart again, so we have to keep welding it back together and, last time we did that, Mr. Wapojif accidentally welded the dishwasher to the deluxe oven/washing machine hybrid. This is getting more genetically messed up than The Fly (starring Jeff Goldblum)!

Anyway, with the extra oven room we can bake an extra big pitta bread. This sturdy SOB is more than capable of holding a full Christmas dinner – you just have to cook it all up and then, with someone holding the pitta bread open for you, tip all of the contents in and then add the gravy. Voila! It’s the Christmas Donner Kebab and it’s a bloody nightmare to try and eat. Enjoy!


  1. WHEW!!! Having never heard of a donner kabob, and realizing this is a Christmas treat…. I jumped to the conclusion OMG, they turned Donner, one of Santa’s reindeer, into a fast feast. WHEW!
    Nonetheless, I won’t be trying to eat one. Unless you have a veggie version?


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