Bog paper (also known as toilet paper) is, arguably, the great unused ingredient in the cooking world. This stuff serves its purpose in a way we all know – without it, society would likely crawl to a halt. It’s one of the most important products on the planet, but also one you’d never really openly discuss with friends or family: “Oh hi, Laura, my bestest friend in the world! How is your toilet paper?” – see?
Anyway, the above paragraph made us realise just quite why toilet paper isn’t used as a foodstuff – it’d be bloody gross. It didn’t stop us from putting together today’s post, though, which is dedicated to the notion of recipes being completely ruined by the use of toilet paper. Hurray.
Louisiana Style Toilet Paper
Those Americans love their toilet paper so much that bit called Louisiana made a style of toilet paper to eat. We’ve never tasted it, not being American, so have no clue – presumably, it’s like fresh apples glazed in honey and with a dollop of wadding.
Roasted Garlic Toilet Paper
Add garlic to anything and you have a glorious time of it. Toilet paper has never tasted so garlicky. It’s worth the bad breath for the divine textures alone.
Toilet Paper Con Carne
An international favourite, this spicy food has been made all the better thanks to the bog paper. Don’t ask us how. Some of it clogged our windpipe and we lost consciousness, but seem to remember a decent taste.
Shepherd’s Toilet Paper
Collected by hand from the fields of somewhere mystical and spectacular, this dish features only the finest toilet paper as used by shepherds. Yum yum.
Pommes de Terre a la Toilet Paper
With its fancy French wording and ubiquitous bog paper, this dish will confuse any dinner party guest in an instant. Hurray!
Oven Roasted Toilet Paper
Toasted, crisp, and delicious! You’ve not tasted true wonders until you’ve bunged bog roll in the oven. Just don’t set the heat too high, or you’ll burn your home down.
Pecan Toilet Paper Rolls
Pecan can show you the way when it comes to toilet paper rolls. Pecans are added to the freshly made bog roll for a delicacy which is celebrated across the globe in many a putrid toilet.
Crispy Sweet Toilet Paper Cakes
They’re crispy. They’re sweet. They’re toilet paper cakes. Bake a batch up for your friends and revel in their disgusted reactions.
Salmon with Coconut Sauce and Toilet Paper
Fish and toilet paper have been used as ingredients since antiquity, so what better way to make this traditional dish even better than with a bit of coconut? If the fish is off, you’ll also be able to use the bog roll for a mad dash to the restroom. Suave and sophisticated? You better you bet!
Toilet Paper Pizza
The most famous pizza of them all, pizza with toilet paper is the most ordered pizza in the history of ever. Just don’t ask anyone to add pineapple to the topping list. That’s just wrong.
Scrambled Toilet Paper
Beat those toilet papers to a pulp and you end up with scrambled toilet paper. Hurray! Ready in minutes and bland as anything!
Instant Toilet Paper Noodles
Pour on that boiling water, leave to stand for a few minutes, and voila! You have a lovely pot of soggy, weird looking shredded toilet paper. What could be better!?
Toilet Paper & Chips
That most popular English staple – toilet paper and chips – is consumed by beer guzzling football hooligans. It comes in handy if any of them are caught short in a standard riot, too.
Toilet Paper Pie
A pie with toilet paper in it? What could be more inspiring with that? You can enjoy this pie baked or stone cold, but for 50p more we’ll slap a load of custard and lard on it!
Sometimes it’s good to cut back and be minimalistic. Fresh toilet paper as a standalone dish is hearty, delicious, nutritious, and… jeez, who are we kidding? It’s disgusting! What a stupid post this was. We apologise. Yes, that’s apologise with an s, not a z, American readers. We’re English. Deal with it. Deal. With. It. The same goes to you Canadians!