Sometimes, it takes time for time to realise that sometimes a recipe is timely enough to enter a foodie timeline. Take mustard soup – why haven’t we thought of this one before?! We guess the world just wasn’t ready for it… until now! Yes, we’ve done the deed. Mustard soup will be hitting the shelves from Q3 2018 and it’ll cost you £5 ($10) for a litre of the stuff! Excited? You ****ing well should be!

Mustard soup is mustard soup. There’s not much else to it – if you like your mustard, then you’re in luck here. This pungent little number will be enough to convince you that you must get more mustard into your life. It’s specially made at the Professional Moron factory by our talented team of mustard experts, who taste test every single carton to ensure the highest mustard standards are being met. Bravo!

Mustard Soup

“How do you know there’s a market for this?” is what our apprentice asked us. After smacking him across the face, our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, regained his composure and went on a three hour rant about the nature of soup and its intrinsic “mustyness” – this, he informed us, is what makes mustard so ideal for the whole thing.

Consequently, we began trialling a few mustard soup recipes. As with gazpacho soup, this one is a dish that’s best served cold. You can heat mustard soup up, but we found this simply made our eyes melt (not literally, we just burst into tears due to the ferocious pungency). As a result, this is indeed a dish that’s best served cold.

Mustard is, of course, made from seeds and not turds, but it’s important to remember you want a spicy quality to your mustard so it will compliment the luminescent yellow of the soup. Indeed, our mustard soup is so yellow it made our apprentice say, “Jesus, it’s like it’s got yellow fever or something.” With his rapier wit, Mr. Wapojif immediately quipped, “No, it’s just jaundice!” to which the office gave him a 10 minute standing ovation.

The good news is you won’t get yellow fever or jaundice from consuming this product, although your eyes will begin watering in the way they did when you first saw the ending of Titanic. On tasting mustard soup, you’ll simply wince in agony and then wonder what on Earth we were playing at. Good, eh?

Wasabi Soup

To ensure no Japanese restaurants steal part of our market, we’ve also created wasabi soup to keep Japanese people happy. We’ve also made wereabi soup, the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of “be” – this will corner off any canny sorts who think they can take anything away from us. We’re going to dominate this market, dammit, and no slimy entrepreneur is going to slime their way in with dodgy tactics!

We’re also planning to cut off the horseradish soup market by keeping a horse at the office who’ll eat all of the radishes in Manchester. Our apprentice has been tasked with purchasing all of the radish stock from the city’s supermarkets in order to feed our horse, Clive, who really likes them. It took some doing, but we mustered ourselves to take on mustard (instead of custard) in order to leave consumers disgusted. Score.