Sociology is boring, but socks aren’t. Thusly, we’re proposing a new scientific study about socks: sockiology. Why? As there’s so much we don’t know about socks. How were they invented, for what purpose, would society result in anarchy should they become extinct etc. With big questions like that, one can write a big thesis and win the Nobel Prize in Socks. It’s the most prestigious award known to sockkind.
Ages back, we suggested the TV show Socks and the City would be a big hit, but it didn’t catch on. Despite there being more socks in any respective city than human beings, apparently humans are more interested in their tawdry affairs than to take interest in sockies – this is about to change! So, sign on up readers to the world’s first degree pertaining to the humble sock.
A sock typically covers the toes (including the big one), upper foot area, and the ankle. It’s common to wear a sock on each foot – not doing so, such as only wearing one sock, would be considered peculiar. In the distant past, socks weren’t overly common, particularly with the likes of working class scumbags. These days, it’s estimated there are some 77 billion socks on planet Earth, which has led do-gooding hippies to suggest the planet is overpopulated (with socks, not hippies).
Despite the “simplistic” nature of the sock, the study of them has been in action for decades. Their place in society, whether they’re sexist, whether they’re symbols of hegemonic despair, if they’re too expensive, and their role in the future of humanity. Sockiology aims to answer all questions related to socks, so join us now as we have a brief glimpse over their purpose and what you can take from today’s didactic enterprise.
There are three main tenets to sockiology. Each is more sock-based than the last, which can track your course through the course of sockiology until you reach the status of Sock Master. However, be warned as once you are a Sock Master, the temptation is to loaf about a bit and show off. This can lead to what is known as sockialism – this is very bad, the equivalent of being a Communist, basically. Don’t even go there.
How functional (i.e. comfortable, clean, sock-like etc.) are your sockies? Do, for instance, your socks, once donned, bring you out in a hive of boils and buboes? If “yes”, this is not a functional sock. A functional sock should smell slightly of lemon, be comfortable to your foot, and draw admiring glances from fellow sockiologists.
Are your sockies so awesome they, in fact, cause riots in the sockiology community? If “yes”, your socks are too awesome and need to be destroyed. It is important to develop a threshold of sock excellence, which must not be exceeded. Sock envy is a deadly sin for all sock acolytes, so even if you’re madly in love with the excellence of your socks, be sure to scruff them up marginally (i.e. get a spot of coffee on them, or something) in order to not induce envy.
Symbolic INTERACTIONIST Perspective
Have you begun worshipping your sockies like some pious lunatic? Do you see socks amongst every day objects (such as a tin of baked beans)? Do you often hold aloft a sock in your workplace and announce, “Bow down to the sock, ya bastards!” to a mass of colleagues looking confused, bemused, perplexed, or terrified? If so, you’re at the stage where you’re ready to disseminate sockiology pamphlets to the, largely, unimpressed masses.
Sockiology should only be studied by those who really bloody love socks. Their role within human society is complex, oblong, and complicated. With our seminars and lectures, spearheaded by 33 year old sock expert (and esteemed editor) Dr. Wapojif, you can become a sock expert over the course of the five year and $50,000 course.
There’s also a post-graduate degree to consider, should you survive the gruelling bachelor’s degree: Sockiology – Researching the Role of Socks in Alien Society. This will involve watching a load of films like Alien, Independence Day, and Mars Attacks in order to glean more information on alien species’ foot-based deliberations. Thankfully, Dr. Wapojif has been abducted by aliens on numerous occasions and has many fascinating insights and theories to impart with. This course costs $100,000 over 12 months.