Agony Aunt: “HELP! Me missus wants me to tattoo her name into me forehead!”

Tattoos
Nice rings, dude.

Love hurts, especially when it has to be branded into your forehead by a hairy dude brandishing a tattoo machine. Not wishing to stereotype tattoo studio workers, but we’re going to anyway. Still, what if your “bird” wants you to make the ultimate romantic gesture? Do you capsize to her demands, or do you ejector seat out of the relationship? Let’s tattoo a look.

Tattoo

sup? i gotta problem wiv me bird. she wants me to get a tattoo that'll "cement our love wiv ink and agony". she wants me to get her name slap bang in da centre of me forehead! i we're like, "bitch, you chattin' **** again, girl!" and she we're all like, "either you do it or i ain't puttin' out, ****wod" and i we're all like, "yo! you stir fry cray cray yo!" and we ain't chatted since. dat we're a week ago. shud i get da tattoo? fanks - P Nuss

Hi, P Nuss. We’re presuming that’s your gangsta rapper name. Nice! Anyway, this is quite the pickle you’re in. Indeed, having not talked to your “bird” in a week – this is bad. Relationships function on communication, not silence. No one ever had a relationship by not saying anything. Except maybe for mutes.

Now, in regards to the tattoo concept – it depends on how important your forehead is to you. The forehead is one of the most public facing elements of your body and, consequently, must be maintained properly in order to remain approachable. If your “bird” has a nice name, such as Penelope, Bernadette, Anastasia, Charlotte, or Elizabeth, you should be fine. Of course, they’re all quite long names, so be prepared for considerable agony in their creation.

However, if your “bird” has a bad name, then your situation may be dire. Examples of bad female names include: Helga, Gertrude, Tom Hanks, Precious, Communism, and Scurvy. Do you really want to attend job interviews, for example, with Marxist propaganda emblazoned on your bonce? Exactly, so consider this song by The Who before committing yourself to a love letter forehead.

Welcome To My Life Tattoo

Have you listened carefully to Roger Daltrey, with backing vocals provided by Pete Townshend and John Entwistle? Good! Now you should be clearer on whether a tattoo is for you. Remember – a tattoo isn’t just for Christmas, it’s for life. You can get them removed, of course, but only through a meat cleaver or by rubbing vigorously at your skin with sandpaper. We can assure you, both options hurt quite considerably.

Ultimately, we think if you love your “bird” and want to make a grand romantic gesture, this is probably your best option. Imagine, as you gaze at each other lovingly at the end of the wedding aisle, your gangsta rapper mates pausing for a moment between shooting each other to enjoy the wedding vows, and she looks at you and sees her name in the centre of your forehead: Scurvy.

Then you’d say: “I, P Nuss, take you, Scurvy, to be my lawfully wedded wife” and we think the whole house would come down in a flood of goddamn tears. We’re getting choked up just thinking about it. Throw caution to the wind, man, this is clearly your ideal “bird” and we think you should enjoy a lifetime of happiness together. Best of luck, sir!

7 comments

  1. Perhaps if her name is akin to a commercial product…. say Worcester, you might be able to make a few bucks in the advertising area. The name of a popular beer is also good. If not, you might want to find a bird with commercial potential! After all, you only have one forehead, and possibly only this one chance for financial freedom.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Worcestershire Sauce? That’ll never catch on.

      Only one forehead? That, itself, is an interesting avenue for plastic surgeons. It would be super nice to have two foreheads, wouldn’t it? WELL?!

      Liked by 1 person

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