Exclusive Invention: Dooreen (a door for people called Doreen)

This is a door. Not a dooreen.

Do you know a Doreen? This invention is tailor suited for them! Why, it’s a door that’s specifically for people called Doreen. It’s the dooreen! The great thing about this door is it forever solves any problems you may have for finding people called Doreen a present. You just bulldoze our their old front door and install the dooreen – watch in delight at their crestfallen expression as you inform them that’s all they’re getting for their birthday!

Not that the dooreen is cause for misery – it’s supposed to look nice and keep reprobates out of a Doreen’s home. At a cost of £3,000, though, this thing doesn’t come cheap – this is due to it being made of an industry-leading mixture of cement, wood, medium-density fibreboard (MDF), asbestos, and reinforced steel. This is one sturdy door. Remind your Doreen of this as she accuses you of being a thoughtless SOB – remind her also of how it’s her birthday present and she should be bloody happy!


Once you’ve crashed your bulldozer through her front door, the property will be in disarray. This is the perfect opportunity to install the dooreen. Thankfully, the Professional Moron staff is readily equipped with welding equipment and a vague understanding of support beams and how to construct stuff. It’ll only take six months, at a cost of £50,000, to install the thing into the properly.

This means you will have to plan six months in advance of your Doreen’s birthday, but after this it’s all set for the inaugural door opening celebration! Naturally, with any door it’s important to play music by The Doors and have at least one hairy male present who is reminiscent of the late Jim Morrison. This adds gravitas to the whole endeavour. A Jeroboam (three litre bottle of champagne costing £4,000) is smashed over the completed dooreen as celebration.

Due to the size of the bottle, this can utterly destroy the door – it is up to the Doreen in question to provide funds for repairs. This can cost up to £30,000, but it depends on the extent of the damage. However, the Jeroboam smashing celebration festivities is mandatory as it’s stipulated within the Professional Moron construction contract. It has been calculated there’s a 39.7% chance the door will be smashed to bits.

DeDoorean DoorMC-12

As we then ran out of ideas for what to do with the dooreen, we decided to do a side project with the notorious DeLorean DMC-12. This is the vehicular combustion machine that propelled Marty McFly into the future of the past. “Cripes!” we thought. And yes, cripes indeed. So, what we did is rebadge it as the DeDoorean – those two flappy bits that come off it (the car doors). See them? Well, they’ve been replaced with dooreens. Clever, right?

Naturally, the excess weight weighs the car down something rotten. Indeed, it’s a peculiar sight seeing the car bottoming out as it lurches down roads, sparks shooting out from the underskirt and the suspension permanently on the verge of total collapse. Safe it is not!

Who would want to drive this deathtrap, then? Back to the Future fans, of course! Plus, as it’s so dangerous, the vehicle only costs £15,000 – that’s a bargain! Sure, you’ll never be more at risk of danger, but that’s a small price to pay for getting from A to B at a small price of potentially getting blasted into the future to be savaged by door eating aliens (potentially).


  1. This is just mind blowing. I’m forced to reveal that my name is Dooreen. I can make it easy on you (and cheaper) I’m willing to accept the DeLorean and forego the other generous but time consuming offers. Your friend, Dooreen.


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