Agony Aunt: “HELP! My boyfriend is, like, really, like, annoying!”

A couple in a relationship
“Sweetums, take your goddamn hand off me, you bastard, before I smash this cup over your skull.”

Through the course of your life, you’ll meet other people you’ll deem to be annoying. Different people have different triggering criteria. It may be someone cracking their knuckles, chewing with their mouth open, gobbing on the floor, scratching themselves openly, picking their nose in public, or talking loudly on their mobile phone. But what if you’re dating someone who’s an annoying SOB?

Annoying

Alright? I'm, like, at a loss. I don't, like, like my boyfriend anymore because, like, he's annoying me. He, like, does these really, like, nasty things. I'll, like, be on the phone and, like, he starts taking the mick and, like, going (in a dead, like, high-pitched voice) "I'm Rebecca, I'm, like, a big liking like like!" and I'm, like, "Like, shut up, you waste of, like, space!" (except, like, I swear but, like, I'm respecting your, like, family blog) but that ****ing piece of ***ing, like, **** [NB: Censored by the, like, editor] is, like, mocking me, the ****! I'm, like, not happy with, like, the, like, way, like, he, like, takes, like, the mick. What do you, like, think? Rebecca

Hi, Rebecca. Now, don’t punch your laptop/smartphone in a rage at this initial overview, but we believe your boyfriend (whom we’ll name Trevor – or Trev, if you will – for the sake of this post) may have a point. Trev has made an observational piece of humour by picking up on your vernacular trope. To whit, the overuse of “like” to the extent it makes one want to shove one’s head into a cesspit.

Now, do not be angry with Trev. He has provided you with a golden gift to shed your “like” addiction. Granted, it’s not as crushingly brutal as, say, an addiction to crack cocaine, but it’s an addiction all the same! We have the solution for you, Rebecca, so hold Trev’s hand tightly as you read this, feeble woman, and prepare for your mental health journey.

Likecoholics Anonymous

You need to attend LA meetings. You’ll need anonymity for these, as it’s mandatory (on pain of being identified) so choose your new name for the meetings wisely – we recommend Barbarella. For Trev, he can still be Trev as he isn’t crippled by your irritating habit.

Okay, Barbarella, you’ll attend the LA meetings thrice weekly. Typical three hour long sessions involve verbally and physically abusive elocution lessons – every time you revert back to using “like”, one of the expert LA professionals will call you “stupid”. If this triggers off a rebuttal such as “Like, shut up, you’re the, like, stupid one!”, then you’ll receive a slap to the face. You may also be forced at gunpoint to eat raw onions should you fail to show significant progress within the first few weeks.

Back Into Society

Once able to hold a coherent conversation, you’ll be released back into the wild. This is make or break time – rely on Trev’s support to prosper. Take out any lingering anger or frustration you have on him. He’s a man – he’ll bottle up his emotions and gradually fester with his own mental health issues until a later date (by which point you’ll have probably dumped him, so it won’t be your issue).

To stay strong during your recovery, avoid doing things you like. This will be sure to banish “like” from your memory – take up hobbies you detest. Do things that terrify. Become a pessimist. For example, you could take up nude parachuting, eat all of your meals with marmite, and hang out with people you can’t stand.

All of this negative reinforcement will ensure a new and loquacious vocabulary enters your casual discourse. The great news is, Barbarella, you’ll never like anything again! You’ll grow to be a miserable old git who revels in complaining – you’ll be all the happier and more complete as a person for it.

5 comments

  1. So, this is all so wise. Any “like” addict is so annoying to me, those so and so’s. So, once they are cured, so they will be so thankful to Agony Aunt. So, thank you so much for so, such wonderful advice! So there!

    Liked by 2 people

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