It is “our” solar system, just so you know. Don’t you ever forget that, okay? As humans, we can lay claim to it. As we’re special. We own it all! So we can rename the planets as and when we please, which is what we’ve decided to do today. So, even though someone may go ahead and rename them all again in a few years, for now you’ve got to memorise those spherical orbs all over again. Let’s do this!
You know, Mercury has been crying out for this name change since the 1970s. Why hasn’t it happened yet? Well, now it has! Welcome into our solar system fold Freddie Mercury! An excellent planet that performs belting hit singles and some crazy dance moves. Ready Freddie?
Venus has had a minor update, completed accordingly with a sense of puerile glee. Well, why not? It’s a silly name, it’ll make immature people giggle like idiots, but the tremendous use of diction here will, at least, further humanity’s communication goals.
Adapted to make people from Northern England feel more welcome on the planet. We think they’re sick and tired of having to deal with posh people pronouncing things properly. Want to know more? Check out our guide on How To Speak Northern!
Yeah, it was about time this happened. It’s a natural step up for Mars, which apparently once had a mass of water on it billions of years ago. That’s lovely and everything, but it’s something of a desolate wasteland these days. Still… Mars Bars, eh?
Yeah, we’re not changing Jupiter’s name. As a gas giant, it is far too perfect. It’s out favourite planet. We’d bloody well move there, if we could. You can’t improve on perfection. Perfection is Jupiter.
Why not rebrand Saturn as the gas giant which should be home to cats? A planet of cats would be great. We mean, there are cats here on Earth as well, but just a full on cat planet with, like, 55 billion of them or something. All roaming around the place, clawing at Caturn’s well-placed rings (ideal for cat playtime). One to think about, NASA.
Uranus gets a bad reputation for its stupid name, but we wanted to maintain the scatological approach. Thusly, we have Buttocks. Imagine if it’s eventually turned into a wonderful holiday destination in the distant future. You and your adorable family can then head off on holiday to Buttocks. Lovely.
Neptune just wasn’t cutting it for us, so we went with this impressive word. Just to be clear, we’re not stating nepotism was responsible for landing the erstwhile Neptune its planetary gig. We just like the flow of its new name a lot more.
And finally… Plutoe
Okay, so Pluto is not a planet. Apparently. What? It’s round and floats in space, what’s there to pick up on here? It’s a planet! But, whatever, we renamed it Plutoe. As in big toes. As big toes are useless. We’re not suggesting Pluto is useless, but it kind of is as well, isn’t it?