8 Planets Renamed (for the better) From Our Solar System

Solar system planets
The solar system’s greatest hits.

It is “our” solar system, just so you know. Don’t you ever forget that, okay? As humans, we can lay claim to it. As we’re special. We own it all! So we can rename the planets as and when we please, which is what we’ve decided to do today. So, even though someone may go ahead and rename them all again in a few years, for now you’ve got to memorise those spherical orbs all over again. Let’s do this!

Freddie Mercury

You know, Mercury has been crying out for this name change since the 1970s. Why hasn’t it happened yet? Well, now it has! Welcome into our solar system fold Freddie Mercury! An excellent planet that performs belting hit singles and some crazy dance moves. Ready Freddie?

Penus

Venus has had a minor update, completed accordingly with a sense of puerile glee. Well, why not? It’s a silly name, it’ll make immature people giggle like idiots, but the tremendous use of diction here will, at least, further humanity’s communication goals.

Earf

Adapted to make people from Northern England feel more welcome on the planet. We think they’re sick and tired of having to deal with posh people pronouncing things properly. Want to know more? Check out our guide on How To Speak Northern!

Mars Bar

Yeah, it was about time this happened. It’s a natural step up for Mars, which apparently once had a mass of water on it billions of years ago. That’s lovely and everything, but it’s something of a desolate wasteland these days. Still… Mars Bars, eh?

Jupiter

Yeah, we’re not changing Jupiter’s name. As a gas giant, it is far too perfect. It’s out favourite planet. We’d bloody well move there, if we could. You can’t improve on perfection. Perfection is Jupiter.

Caturn

Why not rebrand Saturn as the gas giant which should be home to cats? A planet of cats would be great. We mean, there are cats here on Earth as well, but just a full on cat planet with, like, 55 billion of them or something. All roaming around the place, clawing at Caturn’s well-placed rings (ideal for cat playtime). One to think about, NASA.

Buttocks

Uranus gets a bad reputation for its stupid name, but we wanted to maintain the scatological approach. Thusly, we have Buttocks. Imagine if it’s eventually turned into a wonderful holiday destination in the distant future. You and your adorable family can then head off on holiday to Buttocks. Lovely.

Nepotism

Neptune just wasn’t cutting it for us, so we went with this impressive word. Just to be clear, we’re not stating nepotism was responsible for landing the erstwhile Neptune its planetary gig. We just like the flow of its new name a lot more.

And finally… Plutoe

Okay, so Pluto is not a planet. Apparently. What? It’s round and floats in space, what’s there to pick up on here? It’s a planet! But, whatever, we renamed it Plutoe. As in big toes. As big toes are useless. We’re not suggesting Pluto is useless, but it kind of is as well, isn’t it?

8 comments

  1. Hah! I always did think that planet between Saturn and Neptune needed a better name. I think Herschel did too, but naming it after George III wasn’t going to cut it with the Royal Society (One can imagine the conversation between the – er – English astronomer and his – ahem – English monarch: ‘Mein Konig, I haff named ze new planet after you, George’s Star.’ ‘Ha ha, mein freund Frederich Wilhelm, zat is gut, but vott vill Herr Banks say at ze Royal Society, hmmn?’).

    Liked by 1 person

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