Agony Aunt: “HELP! I’m dating 7 men at once… which one do I pick?!”

It’s not uncommon these days for men to queue up in order to land a date.

Due to the wonders of online dating, it’s now possible to date up to 77 men at once. If not more. Why not? There are plenty of single men to cruise through, including Tom Cruise, but today’s lady has plumped for just the seven (7). But with so many exceptional suitors available, how does one make the ultimate decision and get shacked up? Professional Moron to the rescue!

Double Dating

Hey Professional Moron. I'll get right to it. Dating 7 men. That's 6 too many by society's judgemental eyes, so I gotta ditch the zeros to find my hero. Here's a rundown of what they're like. Let me know which one you recommend. Ta very much, Susan:

- Dave: Tall, a bit ugly, but runs a kebab shop (I like kebabs) and doesn't have any unsightly growths on his face (except his nose). 
- Derek: Has a series of unsightly growths on his face, one of which is his nose. He's pretty well off though so I'm tempted to go for this option and live off the fat of his lardy backside (if that's not too disgusting a metaphor for you lol).
- Dermot: Thin, pale, sweats a lot, but keeps buying me flowers. That's sweet. Unlike sweat. But I like sweet. Even though he gets sweat over the flowers... I guess that helps with watering them? If that's the case, he'd be really great at gardening! So that's one household chore sorted.
- Damien: Been on two dates with him. He's bald. Probably a no go, then. Insists we call him "Damo" and that he salutes me in tyrannical fashion whenever we meet (twice). What's up with him? 
- Dan: Well fit, but a Grade A piece of ****. He's physically assaulted me thrice! WTF?! But he is well fit. What do you do when a babe is a b******?
- Don: Stupid name, don't like that. Not interested. Has a wonky eyelid, too.
- Drake: Even stupider name, who even has a name like this these days? Lovely guy, but... Drake!? Lol! What a bell end.

Hello, Susan. It’s quite difficult to determine much about this assortment of masculinty based on your flimsy descriptions. There’s, typically, more to a man than a 10 word summary. Although, yes, hit the brakes on Drake’s advances – that loser isn’t going far in life with a loser name like that. What were his parents thinking!?

Objective Summarisation

Let us consider the perils of double dating. We picked up all of our knowledge about this from sitcoms such as Friends (that one where Phoebe double dates – classic!). It can create difficult or hilarious scenarios that you can regale at a later date to besties etc. But other outcomes can offer bone crunching and tragic occurrences. For example:

  • You’re dating sweaty Dermot but bump into Dave, who slips on Dermot’s excess sweat and shatters his pelvis – this is entirely your fault! Can you live with the mental anguish?
  • You’ve given Drake another go, but bald Damien is actually his best mate and, to make matters worse, starts calling Drake’s name out – in public! Can you live with the shame? Members of the public judging you for dating a Drake.
  • You’re with well fit Dan at the gym, but wonky eyelid Don is there, too, trying to shift a few pounds to impress you – he sees good looking Dan and has a mental breakdown on the spot, requiring a helicopter air and rescue to fly him off to intensive care – you are responsible for that!
  • You can’t get enough of Dan’s chiselled jawline, but whilst out in town you bump into Dave, Derek, Dermot, Damien, Don, and Drake within 10 minutes due to sheer happenstance – they all approach you, each one proposing to you on the spot, leaving Dan to label you a “****ing *****” and march off… the shame of this will live with you forever more.

There we have the perils. If you think you can manage to deal with that, then keep it going. Alternatively, marry all seven of them in an act of multiple bigamy. Then, over the years, see which relationship outstays its welcome – you can get divorced one step at a time until you’re left with your last bloke. He’s your keeper!


  1. Anyway, AA, your advice is sound. Even if Susan ends up in jail for multiple bigamy, I’m sure one of the seven will outstay the conjugal visits. Actually, being in jail could be a great way to keep all the guys sorted! Pretty brilliant, really!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have found dating from within jail to be restrictive (due to the small nature of my cell), but otherwise you can just lie about your whereabouts. “Oh, I’m jet skiing in the Bahamas, babe!”, as you’re served beans for dinner and locked away for another long, cold, boring night.

      Liked by 1 person

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