How to Host a Dinner Party

Dinner party
A typical dinner party, minus a slave dishing out the gravy.

Dinner parties are the height of societal sophistication. If you don’t host at least half a dozen a year, then you’re a social outcast. So, you’ll want to have a few in the build up to 2019, especially with Christmas around the corner! With our expert guide, you will, therefore, become an expert on all things related to dinner parties. A bit nervous? Scared? Don’t be! We’re here to take the sinner out of dinner!

The Dinner Party

There are certain ingredients you need to create a recipe that bakes into a tasty dinner party. We’re outlining these below. Ensure you have all of these factors in place – if but one is missing, your dinner party will go down as a miserable failure. Consider that a warning!

Guests

You’ll need some of these. Guests are usually people you know (you don’t even have to like them!). But there’s nothing stopping you from rounding people up from off the street to attend. You know – chavs, the homeless, drunken football hooligans rampaging through your district. All good!

Food

Yes, you’ll need some of this.

Alcohol

Have at least 30 litres of wine, 40 litres of vodka, and a pint of gin. At a dinner party, people drink heavily. It’s not a party unless at least several of your guests suffer alcohol poisoning and need stomach pumping.

Class A Narcotics

Heroin, mescaline, ether etc. Have it all lined up in the living room ready and waiting for your guests to knock themselves out. Have a legal waiver present, too, in the event of an OD (or two!).

One Shotgun

To keep order, maintain a shotgun close to your side during all times. If any guests get rowdy, quietly inform them they need to calm down. If they persist with their behaviour, gun them down to send other guests a stark warning.

Buckets of paint

Leave open buckets of paint around your home. When guests ask what they’re there for, get defensive and verbally abusive. Wave your shotgun around. Discharge a shot etc. This will create much terror and mystery amongst guests about the purpose of the paint.

A Screaming Newborn

Have a screaming newborn baby present at your do. Ensure it’s wailing at ear-piercing volume throughout your social event. Guests will adore its wince-inducing belabouring with comments such as: “God, I wish that child would shut the hell up!”, “Which ****er brought the brat!?”, and “If I’d have known a baby were coming, I’d have stayed home in my underpants binge watching reality TV shows!”.

Argument Starters

If you run out of polite conversation (there’s only so many times you can discuss the weather), you’ll need to stir things up. Spread gossip and salacious lies amongst your guests (i.e. “Deirdre said you look like shit tonight, Dave!” – “She… what?! Is that hag chattin’ shit about me again!? I’ll do her what for!“). This will create dramatic scenes of acrimony – sit back and enjoy!

Booby Traps

Assists with Argument Starters, too. Strategically place the likes of mantraps with spikes at the bottom around your home – in the toilet is a good option. Of course, you’ll have to fish out the corpses later (or deal with a lawsuit if death wasn’t forthcoming), but it’s all worth it to hear the sounds of your other guests taking schadenfreude delight in the booby trap victim(s).

Russian roulette

Again, this is a great conversation starter. Demand all guests have a game of this with a real gun. If anyone refuses, threaten to shoot them with your shotgun. Have a few rounds of this game and, of course, loot the cadavars that didn’t successfully complete the challenge.

Asbestos

Have a pile of this in the corner of your living room. No real reason. It’ll just keep your guests on edge, which will ensure they don’t steal any of your belongings during their stay. Remember – they’re on private property!

The National Press

You may also want to get the national press round to cover the antics of your party. Tip off a few tabloid journalists about what’s going down (i.e. “You’ve gotta get here, the corpses are piling up!”) and the hacks will arrive en masse. Free press for you! But, do note, the police may also take interest in many of your illegal activities.

4 comments

  1. I have a pressing doubt about the newborn baby. If I do not have one that is readily available, what to do? Are they easily found on streets? Trees, perhaps? I have heard there are some at a nearby hospital, but I have concerns on whether or not it is socially acceptable to go in there and ask to borrow one for the evening.

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