Ah, the banana. The truth is, not many know much about these curved, but elongated, yellow globules. Where did they come from? Why are they mushy? Why are they so easy to open compared to other fruits (i.e. pomegranates)? Well, we’re here today to answer all of your stupid questions you could have just Googled instead of bothering us about. Yeah? So, here we go – it’s bananas!
Why is the banana always associated with food and fruit?
Because it is a fruit and food.
YEAH, I KNOW, BUT ISN’T IT also essentially a baton, fiduciary implement, type of worm, and conversation starter?
We can’t say for sure a banana has ever had any involvement with fiduciary matters but, well, why not for all of that lot? Knock yourself out (with a banana baton, of course).
Can you also wear a bandana whilst eating a banana?
Yes. Everywhere in the world except for Bolton of Greater Manchester, where it is banned.
Why is it banned in Bolton of Greater Manchester?
Due to the tragic number of banana peel slipping deaths in the region – 3,001 in November of 2015 alone. Typically, it’s a slip on the peel, a dramatic fall backwards, a dashing of a skull against a pavement, and then suffocation as the Boltoner’s* pie lands on their face in the aftermath of their fall. This leads to asphyxiation.
* 99% of Bolton’s citizens are carrying a pie during at least two thirds of their average day.
So, it’s really the pie’s fault when you think about it?
Pretty much, yes, which has led to numerous protests and riots throughout 2018 to lift the banana ban. However, pie enthusiasts argue this is just the loony lefties trying to get their way and the world is imploding due to it.
BUT WHY ARE THE BANANAS BANNED IN ALL OF THIS?
They’re collateral damage – caught up in the great Bolton banana and pie war.
RIGHT… MOVING ON, THERE’S A SCHOOL OF THOUGHT THAT SAYS THE BANANA IS AN ATHEIST’S WORST NIGHTMARE. IS THIS CORRECT?
Surely God is an atheist’s worst nightmare?
Or, perhaps, God eating a banana?
God is more of a potato type of omnipotent deity, we believe.
Is the potato a type of banana?
No, it’s a potato.
Can you ever eat a potato with a banana?
Well, nothing is stopping you. It might taste a bit weird. We suppose you could mash the potato, then mash in the banana, and have a type of sweet tasting double mash up extravaganza.
Okay, I think I know enough about that side of bananas. So, which area of the world eats the most bananas?
It’s Bolton of Greater Manchester, funnily enough! They really love their bananas (and pies) there, which is why so many innocent citizens suffer horrendous banana-related injuries in any given year.
I’m sick of hearing About Bolton! Are there any banana facts that aren’t related to that place!?
Of course! The area of the world that eats the least amount of bananas is Horwich, a small town in the Metropolitan Borough of Bolton of Greater Manchester. In 2017, only half a banana was eaten. Apparently, the consumer thought it was a lollipop so chowed down upon it (having failed to peel it), found it revolting, puked on the floor, passed out, and sued Bolton Metropolitan Borough Council for a lack of banana warning literature in the district.
Good gracious! Is the person okay?!
Yes, they are now back to good health thanks to a strict diet of pies, fish & chips, ready salted crisps, fizzy drinks, and Subway sandwiches. They successfully sued Bolton Metropolitan Borough Council for £3 million – with this money, the individual (who wishes to remain anonymous) established the Barbara Smith Banana Education Centre. There, Barbara Smith talks openly about her ordeal to youngsters, urging them away from fruit towards a diet heavy in trans fats and sugar.
But I thought bananas are good for you?
Didn’t you just read the tale of horror before?
- Thousands of banana-related deaths per annum
- Horrific banana-related ordeals
- The North West of England traumatised by banana tragedies
- Decent citizens quaking in fear due to the banana
No, they are not good for you! At all. If you’re not very, very afraid yet then you bloody well should be.
Jesus, I’m scared! What should I do the next time I see a banana?!
Eye it cautiously. If it’s in its peel then you may have a chance of survival. If it’s out of its peel, give it (and its peel) a wide berth. If it gives you the slighest hint it’s going to attack, follow the following guidelines: shriek hysterically, panic, and run for your life.
Okay, what do I do if I slip on a banana peel when I’m running for my life?
Then you are already dead.