The evil folks at Normal Happenings set a challenge – create a new diet! We had a good long, hard think about how to do that. “Why diet?!” said the 35 stone Mr. Wapojif, chewing on a donut whilst injecting himself with Coca-Cola. “Because you can make money out of it…” said our office apprentice.

The sound of Mr. Wapojif’s punch to the apprentice’s head was still reverberating around the office after he leapt to his feet. “You reeker!” was his scream, with a giant grin on his face. Turns out he thinks a petrol heavy diet is the best way for people to lose weight. Well, he might be onto something.

The Petrol Diet

The petrol diet is the work of genius scientific minds too pure for this unholy world. But, with gracious reverence for kinship and morality, Professional Moron is aiming to make a few bob through a dubious dietary fad. Why not? Oh yes, we want to help people too etc.

Basically, with the petrol diet you eat whatever you want. Fancy downing three litres of melted ice cream, 24 packets of crisps, 15 beers, and a bonbon over the course of your day? Go for it! Just have a mug of petrol after every meal or snack.

Why? You’ll spew the food back up in an instant! Indeed, the horrific burning sensation in your mouth, throat, and stomach lining will be enough to put you off food for weeks (during which time, subsist off cigarettes)!

Prior to starting on the fad diet, please consult your doctor for advice on how to explain what you’re doing. This will ease the many, MANY fears your friends and family have. They may be overcome with alarm at, say, a Sunday dinner if you eat your food, down a mug of petrol, and begin vomiting all over the place.

Strangely enough, explaining, “It’s okay! I’m on the scientifically proven petrol diet!” usually causes some consternation amongst do gooding snowflakes and loony lefties. Tell them to take a hike (screaming “MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN, MOTHER ****ING BUSINESS!” usually wards off any concerns). Your health is a priority. Chin chin!

Petrapp

There’s an official app to go with the petrol diet. It runs on pure love and the glowing radiance of your soul. And petrol. With convenience on our minds in this hectic 24/7 world, all you need to do is pour the petrol onto your smartphone device.

Ignore any sparks and fizzing noises your device emits. All is fine. The Petrapp will imbue the petrol to power itself along. Just don’t light a cigarette, otherwise you’ll go up in a ball of agonising flames. Although, of course, if that does happen it will speed up your weight loss (momentarily, before death due to immolation occurs).

You can buy our Petrol Diet guide – out now in shops at the bargain bin price of £30! Download the app, too, you consumerist fool! It’s only £10 p/m! But first and foremost, buy yourself 500 gallons of petrol from your nearest petrol shop. Enjoy the petrol whiff. Embrace the sores. Face each day with dread, horror, and a sporadic third-degree burn beach bod!