The seasons are boring. There’s four of them and they’re rubbish. Spring? Decent enough. Summer? Crap. Autumn? The best. Winter? Yes! Okay, so some of them aren’t that bad. But why only four of them? This is stupid! Variety is the spice of life, so we’re introducing 10 BRAND NEW seasons. “Brand new” is tautology, of course, as new is new! But, we’re going to shake things up a bit. And not even grammatical errors will stop us!

Bee sting

Spring arrives and you have a spring in your step, yes? YES?! Or, perhaps, you’re lamenting the loss of autumn and winter. Whatever, with spring comes a load of annoying bugs. Bees aren’t annoying, they’re lovely, but you may still get stung by one. Hence the name change.

Spring

To complicate the above, the bee sting season will change its name to spring for one day in late March. This will ensure no one forgets spring’s legacy. It will also put a jolly old spring in your step again, which the old timers will love for traditions sake.

Death & Destruction

This cheerful new season celebrates flowers, plants, organic tea, and shoulder blades. Unfortunately our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, gave it this name in a fit of hallucinogenic candour. So as you enjoy gazing at the lovely flowers, you have the reminder that you’re in the season of death and destruction. Nice.

Bummer

Summer is a bummer, yeah? Half naked chavs strutting around stinking off BO, stupid temperatures, and it makes drinking tea impossible. Right these two months off!

Rabies

The season of rabies arrives right after bummber and lasts for 10 days. This is the time of year to get all your rabies-related antics in. Jolly good show!

Indigestion

This seasons lasts for 48 hours and is marked by chronic overindulge on carbohydrates. This then results in 90% of the the Earth’s population suffering from indigestion. Never fear! As the best is just around the corner…

illusory Autumn

It’s autumn… except it’s not really! It’s the build up to autumn to get your anticipation for the best season of the year! It may still be 25 degrees out, but soon you’ll need your hat (in about a month)!

Autumn 2: This Time It’s Really Autumn

Ah, the real autumn. Bask in the glory of this glorious SOB, for autumn is the bee’s knees.

Post-Autumn

But all good things must come to an end, such as the film Titanic (Jack freezes to death, the boat sinks etc.) which is a good film for post-autumn blues. During this season, God’s dandruff (i.e. snow) may afflict your region. Don’t panic! Simply clamber in your bed and hibernate out the following season.

Doo Doo

And finally, the last season of the year is doo doo. It gets cold in doo doo. It’s puerile in doo doo. And the whole month exists to challenge people not to giggle like imbeciles. Anyone who does must face 50 lashings from a rusty chain. It’s the only logical thing to do.