Breaking News: Brexit Negotiations Plunge England Into Total Chaos (Again)! REJOICE!

Brexit
Leave means leave!

After releasing a 500+ page Brexit plan yesterday following two and a half years of total disorder in the fallout from the 2016 referendum, England is once again in the grips of political and economic chaos.

Facing resignations, a coup, calls of no confidence, and much hostility, Prime Minister Theresa May’s obstinacy genes kicked in to ensure she’s overseeing Brexit to the bitter end. Even though only the most hard line right-wing imbecile would now see the whole thing as anything other than a total ****ing shambles of the highest order.

Taking Our Country Back!

Former Prime Minister David Cameron resigned in disgrace post-Brexit referendum. But, it’s okay – he’s now off living in wealth somewhere. So, there’s a happy story for the nation to cradle lovingly. Justice prevails!

Meanwhile, as we enjoy a fifth of the population (14 million) living in poverty following a decade of austerity, wage stagnation, and a housing crisis, today the UN reflects on the “great misery” the Tories have landed the nation’s citizens in.

Philip Alston, the UN’s extreme poverty and human rights envoy leader, said:

"[It's] obvious to anyone who opens their eyes to see the immense growth in food banks and the queues waiting outside them, the people sleeping rough in the streets, the growth of homelessness, the sense of deep despair that leads even the government to appoint a minister for suicide prevention and civil society to report in depth on unheard-of levels of loneliness and isolation.”

The Tories deny their rule is verging on pure evil, stating instead that everything is actually utterly fantastic. Well, thank **** for that! The UN had us worried for a moment there.

Onwards with our glorious nationalistic pride! For May qualified yesterday’s Brexit plan as a last resort. Otherwise, there’s no deal with the EU. Which could trigger off anarchy. Again. But we have very fond memories of the 2011 nationwide riots – our widescreen TV is still working a treat!

Brexit Outcomes

There are 10 possible outcomes to May’s Brexit plan. These are:

  1. British parliament says “FECK OFF!” to her draft withdrawal agreement and political declarations. This would be a crushing blow to her and likely end her run as Prime Minister (such an outcome would, of course, trigger off scenes of mass public grief at this loss).
  2. She withdraws the draft agreement, apologises for being haughty and incompetent the last two years, and quits.
  3. Article 50 is extended to Article 51, which will confuse the hard lining Brexiters enough to make them still think “leaves means leaves” (just in the nick of time for autumn, too!).
  4. Tory MPs trigger a vote of no confidence and boot the woman out. They replace her with another Tory to screw everything up further still.
  5. Another snap general election – get the Labour party in to try and restore order after nine years of Tory-led socioeconomic collapse.
  6. Have another referendum to, hopefully, call this bloody mess off.
  7. Segregate England into two bits, one half for right wingers, the other half for left wingers. Political centrists can pick between whichever part suits them best.
  8. Realise we can no longer blame immigrants for all of the nation’s problems and recognise personal foibles and vapid nationalism did us in. With newfound humility, head into the future with a democratic socialist political structure to banish the appalling social inequality that currently plagues a supposedly civilized nation.
  9. Classify Britain as the third world developed country it now is – cordon it off so no one can get in, or out, and return to the Middle Ages. Everyone can live in castles, get covered in mud, and spread bubonic plague. Them were the good old days!
  10. Everyone gets stoned and has an orgy out on London Bridge.

Editor’s Verdict: God Save The Queen!

The following is an onion piece from our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, a journalist, pro-nationalist, pro-Brexit, anti-socialist genius with an IQ no higher than 70. 

Some say British politics is in tatters today. Some say we’re at our lowest, most embarrassing, disastrous ebb since the 1970s. Balderdash! Leave means leave. And I’m going to keep trumpeting that statement endlessly as I don’t understand what’s going on, really. THIS is what we need to DO to ENSURE that LEAVE means LEAVE:

  1. Leave: An essential Brexit tenet. So, get used to leaving things. Leave the room right now. Then leave wherever you went to. Isn’t leaving stuff great!?
  2. Bazookas: I’m calling it! Remainers are a threat to national security. Call off the Firearms Act 1997, reinstate guns, and let’s bazooka those traitorous scumbags into annihilation!
  3. Leaves: Clear all the autumunal leaves away as they’re obstructing our ability to leave things.
  4. Poverty: We need more of this. Let’s drag austerity out for another few decades!
  5. Potatoes: Give everyone loads of potatoes. Poor people should subsist off them nicely over the spartan decades ahead, so they better get used to them now.

If you merge the above together you have the foundation for a thriving British society. All the tenets for excellence: violence, poverty, and taking our country back. What more could you want!?

I name this version of political perfection as Bazookait. Not catchy or clever, sure, but if someone’s waving a bazooka in your face you’re sure to agree. That’s some good politics.

15 comments

  1. All this Brexit business is definitely kind of funny because it doesn’t seem like long historically since Britain was falling over backwards to JOIN the EU, causing waves of deranged panic in New Zealand because it meant our main export market was likely to stop buying slabs of frozen sheep half-carcases wrapped in cheesecloth, thus robbing everyday Kiwis of their chance to own cars and buy a beach-side holiday home that they could populate with 30-year old furniture and stay in at Christmas and Easter.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Does… does that mean that market is now open again with New Zealand? It’s not clear what’s about to happen here, really, as no one is in control. So that would, at least, be something. I hope there’s a film about this in a decade, Monty Python style, so we can all look back and laugh at the mayhem.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yup, once again you guys get to dine on choice NZ cuts of lamb, delectable and delicious but unfortunately frozen for three months and thus reduced to the flavour and consistency of cardboard. Meanwhile, here in NZ, we get to eat hogget with the texture and flavour of old leather, because we’ve sent all the good stuff off to be frozen and exported…

        Liked by 1 person

        • In my local supermarket, we seem to get organic red grapes from New Zealand. So, thanks for those! Although a black widow spider has occasionally made its way into the bag pre-flight. Always makes the news as an outraged consumer complains to the tabloid press.

          Like

  2. We are observing the Brexit shenanigans from Portugal and seriously wonder if we should hand in our British passports and follow our southern Irish roots so we stay EU citizens. I have to laugh because some people I’ve spoken to online, and who voted to leave, have never left the UK, have no idea how trade and industry works and voted purely to keep people out of Britain. They have no idea who does the menial tasks and the little cogs who keep the country running.

    When the shit finally hits the fan I don’t know how we will survive. We live in the sun because of health issues and made sacrifices to come here. If we can’t stay because of complex paperwork, I’d rather jump over the edge of the nearest cliff than move to cesspit Britain.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, the whole Brexit referendum was handled disastrously. Many people had no idea what they were voting for. A second vote now everyone is in the know would work on a democratic level, but May is intent on seeing it through. We shall see what happens. Hopefully it won’t be too horrendous!

      Liked by 1 person

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