Agony Aunt: “HELP! How do I bloody well online date?!”

Woman at a computer
“OMG! This man is so perfect one’s top has passionately slipped from one’s shoulder! *BEEELLllLCCCHhh* Oh, excuse me. One too many pints of lager.”

Online dating involves dating online. It’s where you look at pictures of people, realise most of them aren’t conventionally good-looking, have a bit of a tantrum about this, then proclaim whichever gender you pursue to be a lost cause. Some persevere, though. Such as today’s tawdry individual.

Online Dating

NB: Much of the following message has been updated for readability purposes.

Yeah, hi. I'm Fred. I've been trying out this knew frazzled online dating thing and don't get it. I got me kit off for me profile pic. Total nude, you know what I mean, mate?! Naked. Buff as ****! Why ain't babes gagging for it!? I've had two dates over one month and this is how they went, yeah? 

1. Date ran off when I turned up to McDonald's stark bollock naked. 
2. I forgot to turn up. Footie were on, you see.

So I starts sending pics of me todger to women and they all freak the **** out. WTF!? I'm 39. Good looking. Only have several noticeable regions of love handles. Me dick ain't that puny. WTF! WTF!? WTF?!?!!? Fred

Hi, Fred. Online dating is a bit like nuclear war. There’s the warring bit. The nuclear. The radiation. And at the end of it your skin falls off. As you can see, this is fairly analogous to the world of dating. But nuclear war costs a bit more, whereas online dating is usually about £20 per month.

How to Online Date

Okay, so what impresses women? Obviously if you look like Brad Pitt you have a head start, but only Brad Pitt looks like Brad Pitt (except, also, his disturbing waxwork remake at Madame Tussaud’s).

However, men other than Brad Pitt are also allowed to be good-looking. What really matters is communication. It’s no good just going:

"hi babes ;o) :o) xxxx xoxoxox xxxxx xoxoxoxoxox u iz ded fit xxxxxxx hears my number [insert number] call me lol xxxx"

No, you need to be more loquacious. Women, being often hysterical sorts who talk a mile a minute, rely on communication to defeat their garrulous “besties” in conversation. And when it comes to their man, they expect witty discourse and flirtatious asides. Here’s a fantastic template you can use to achieve endless responses from babes online:

"Hi, darlin'. OI OI!!!! If you could have a super power, what would it be? I'd have invincibility so I can CONVINCEibility you to go on a date with me!!! 

Now then, here's a picture of my penis I just took on my phone. Also, I have no signs of early onset male pattern balding (just yet), but would definitely get a hair transplant if that happened (I know how you bitches like hairy guys - you're in luck! My back is like a goddamn gorrilla). 

Cheers! [insert name and number and the offer of more penis pictures here] - [insert at least 18 emojis]"

As you can see, this message demonstrates the ability to converse with humour, flirtatious asides, and the “emotional intelligence”. You recognise common issues women hate (i.e. baldies), she has a readily available image of your trouser department (as any grown woman is want to know), and you’ve admitted your foibles in the form of your hairy back. You charmer!

Making the First Move

The above message will have dames throwing themselves at you in response. Be coy and rambunctious in your responses. Liberally send pictures of your body parts, such as your earlobe, incisor teeth, eyebrows, and elbows to allow the human female to further understanding the male body.

Next, offer to post her copies of male biology works so she can master the art of why men smell so bad. Rest assured, your efforts will result in your bird of choice providing you with her mobile number – the holy grail of online dating.

Once you have her number, bombard the woman with relentless penis pictures, emojis, pictures of your bicep(s), and “funny” articles from BuzzFeed. If she hasn’t blocked you within 20 minutes, demand her address and turn up within the hour to propose. Life moves fast in the online dating world – you don’t need a penpal! Get in there and work your magic.


  1. I can’t add to this Aunt Agony and you know how I like too but you’ve covered all the essentials . Perhaps you could advise from the female (Dames) perspective. I’ve been on eHarmony for 8 months with no hit. I’m concerned my self esteem may soon suffer. Yours truly (but sad)


  2. Okay, the whole penis thing is disgusting!!! The darn thing urinates. I want a man who only makes love with his penis, urinating is not allowed visa vi this appendage. Then I want a pic of Brad Pitt.
    So, as I am only so/so about the Pitt Man, I’ve decided to upgrade my chainsaw and flame thrower.
    Bring on the dates!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I always thought a tap would be more effective. A faucet type thing of some sort, anyway, say on the side of the head. Just turn the lever and there we go. Easier, eh?

      We’ve met a number of women so/so about Mr. Pitt, but the media tells us he’s the embodiment of perfection. So, as we’re morons, we role with it.


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