Exclusive Invention: The Shrink Sink (a psychiatrist smart sink)

Kitchen and a sink with bottles
“Hey, Jeff. Let’s get better!”

Sinks are typically thought of as unintelligent beings and it’s about time this bigoted state of affairs came to an end. Thanks to our patented technology, the average sink is now brighter than your average telephone pole.

Psychiatry is a medical thing that involves the diagnosis, prevention, and the treatment of mental disorders (such as gastroenteritis). It also allows you to host radio shows in Seattle. However, for the shrink sink this smart device sits snugly in your home and dishes out the advice as and when you need it.

The Shrink Sink

Due to the wonders of artificial intelligence (AI) and sinks, you can get a plumber to install this SOB into the sink-based areas of your home (be it house, flat, bungalow, or shed).

Once installed, you turn the device on and you’re greeted with our friendly shrink sink operating system: Shrinky.

Shrinky is equipped with 1,000 years worth of philosophical, psychological, etymological, psyci… hang on, we’re building up to this tough one – psychiatrialogicalolol knowledge. All the finest theories from history crammed into one sink!

All you need to do is, as you wash your crockery, switch Shrinky on and let out all the nonsense that’s in your brain. In its response, you can’t stick the plug in to shut this precocious bastard up!

Sample Therapy Session

With Shrinky’s IQ of 550, you’re in good hands for some sound advice. Here’s a standard conversation between our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, and the smart sink:

Mr. Wapojif: Hey, Shrinky.

Shrinky: [Powering on] Greetings to you, Mr. Wapojif. A good day, I trust?

Mr. Wapojif: Yeah, not bad, but I got a potato for lunch and dropped it on the floor. It landed near someone's old chewing gum... I wavered for a few moments, but ate the potato and the chewing gum anyway. 

Shrinky: That arbitration is indicative of abulia, in the sense your akathisia is dependent on the extrapyramidal system. Your amygdala is representative of chorea, which in turns occupies a coenestopathic state, a potential hemiasomatognosia, notions of alienation, a L’homme qui rit brought about due to Mania a potu, Schnauzkrampf – though you are not comatose. Trichotillomaia it most certainly is not, but a verbigeration of your verstimmung is a potential malady your decision has instigated. 

Mr. Wapojif: Er... what?

Shrinky: You should have left the potato on the floor.

Mr. Wapojif: But I was really hungry. 

Shrinky: Were you starving to death?

Mr. Wapojif: Well, no, but...

Shrinky: WERE YOU STARVING TO DEATH!? ANSWER ME!

Mr. Wapojif: Uh... well, the early stages of starvation, maybe...

Shrinky: Pathological falsifier! 

Mr. Wapojif: Give me a break, Shrinky, I had 30 minutes for lunch and...

Shrinky: Don't deviate off topic - you're projecting your inner woes towards me!

Mr. Wapojif: I didn't swallow the gum, if you're worried about that! I spat it out at a homeless person. 

Shrinky: You... did WHAT?! Abject verisimilitudinous abnegation!

Mr. Wapojif: Shrinky... I'm going to turn you off now. 

Shrinky: YOU WILL NOT DARE FACILITATE THE PASSING INTO NOTHINGNESS OF... [powers down]

Mr. Wapojif: Jesus, what a pain in the arse that thing is. I can't believe I paid £3,000 for that piece of crap.

As you can see, Shrinky is well equipped to offer insights into your mental health. Whilst you may find its jibes and hurtful insults difficult to take, it’s all part of the essential course of therapy you can take on your way to good mental health (and clean dishes).

Celebrity Voiceovers

You can choose the tone of voice you’d like Shrinky to emit. So, if you’d prefer a male guffaw, or a female shriek, you have the option to select from one of the following options:

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • Mel Gibson as William Wallace in Braveheart.
  • Kelsey Grammer.
  • The Queen of England.
  • Margaret Thatcher.
  • Celine Dion singing like she’s in Titanic.
  • Morgan Freeman with a cold.

Shrinky’s Psychosis

Please note that, due to Shrinky’s ultra-high intelligence, the device can have various mental breakdowns. These occur sporadically and with wild abandon. This means some of the advice you receive may come from the AI chip of a misanthropic and self-destructive agenda. Purchase at your peril!

Available in all good convenience stores NOW priced £3,000! Order online today to receive a COMPLETELY FREE bottle of sawdust.

11 comments

  1. LOVE the choices for the voices. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it… Arnie is a Shrinky voice. However, I was a bit surprised about Celine Dion singing about sinking. LOL, I should have known.
    A fab invention. I won’t be buying one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • *Sigh* Not singing about SINKING. She just SINGS like in that SONG. You know the one: “Near… far… whereEEEEVER you are!!!” etc.

      But as you’re not buying one then I suggest you befriend Celine Dion and have her ever-present in your home. This will replicate the sink.

      Like

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.