Agony Aunt: “HELP! I’m dating a cement mixer – advice needed!”

Cement mixer
A solid 7/10, this one.

There comes a time in any woman’s life when they give up on men and start dating inanimate objects. Today’s human female has done just that – she went on dates with a series of products, but has settled on a charismatic cement mixer. Let’s see if we can help love blossom into a 20 storey concrete monstrosity.

Cuddles With Concrete

Hi, guys! I'm dating this cement mixer and it's going really well. It's a really sweet cement mixer. It brings me bags of cement every date! I think the idea is it's a present. Either that or it wants me to use it to mix cement.

Cementy, as I'm calling it, often serenades me with the following love song it churned out for me: 

I make cement, but I'm not bent, or an air vent, and the oppostite of a tent. Brap, brap! Brappity brap, brap brap!

I think it's the best song ever! Well... what matters is it tried. It's the thought that counts. 

But I'm getting a bit confused... what should I get it in return? Also... how do I, you know... with it? Kissie wissies, Jane xoxoxox

Hi, Jane! The thing about cement mixers is they’re only ever after one thing – mixing cement. Remember, it’s a device that homogeneously merges stuff together. If that isn’t deviously perverted, we don’t know what is.

Yes, “Cementy” is sweet now. But if you’re not turning it on every night of the week so it can churn out concrete slop then it’ll choose its next conquest.

We put it to you, Jane, whether you want to be that type of human female. Is it worth aborting your dignity in the name of becoming an amateur builder? Do you want to spend your days with Cementy wearing a high vis jacket and a hard hat!?

Just as we thought. So, you better hit the dating scene again. There’s a whole world of inert objects out there to get it on with.

Dating Devices

Our advice is to let Cementy down lightly. Take it to a building site and, over a pragmatic dinner of debris and rocks, tell it you want to see other objects.

The cement mixer might lose its cement after that, but no matter how many obscenities it fires across at you just calmly deflect all insults – also, threaten to turn it off unless it behaves.

With Cementy now out of your life, it’s time to hit the online dating scene! We recommend the apps Lifeless Love, Plenty of Dishwashers, or Dickheadless Dating. On any of these, you’ll meet charming bachelors such as:

  • Toilets.
  • Sheds.
  • Front porches.
  • Rear porches.
  • Driveways.
  • Trolleys.
  • Computer screens.
  • Obsolete mobile phones.
  • CCTV cameras.
  • Vacuum cleaners.
  • Jet propulsion systems.

Trust us, once you’ve had a date with a front porch you’ll swoon and wonder why you ever put up with all that bloody concrete spittle everywhere.

Our final advice is to rampantly date multiple objects at once to sieve out the obsolete products and find the one for you. You can even date your smartphone. You’ve probably spent more time with it than any other human being ever anyway, so why not go that extra step?


    • The stoic reserve, perhaps? Like with men who don’t say much – silent but mysterious – and then they go to speak: “Nah mate, I don’t know nuffink!” And you date the cement mixer instead. True story.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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