Great Films That Never Were: The Lord of the Ringtones

Silhoutte of women on the phone
“Bitch, when I hang up I’m changing this ringtone from J Lo to P. Diddy then Bieber.” – “Shat up, girlfriend, you know you ain’t eva doin’ that!”

Now that The Lord of the Rings films, and The Hobbit, are filmed and done, Hollywood has to rely on a neverending stream of tedious superhero films to fill that creative void. But what the Hell for when there’s… The Lord of the Ringtones!?

This tetralogy of great works are about Cindy and Mindy, two modern babes out to babe it up by becoming Lord Babe of Babeington. And the only way they can get there is to have the best ringtone in the whole of the land! Zomg.

The Lord of the Ringtones

Cindy (Anna Kendrick) and Mindy (Anna Faris) are two bestie babes. Their united goal in life is marry a hot hunk and be the talk of the town. And the only way to achieve that is to become The Lord of the Ringtones.

Cindy and Mindy don’t know what a Lord is. But they sure as heck know what banging ringtones are!

Thusly, the four five-hour films play out with Cinds and Minds doing their babeing best to land the ringtone that’ll shut up all the bitches of the local land.

Is it Swagger Jagger by Cher Lloyd? Whatever mediocre crap Taylor Swift churns out? Something by Bieber? Cyrus the Virus?

Their emotional rollercoaster of a journey takes them across several smartphones – including an Android – as they search for the ringtone that’ll stop everyone dead in their tracks.

But… what’s this?! Arch-nemesis Mandy (Arnold Schwarzenegger in drag) thinks she can bag the title with a bespoke ringtone of her and her girlfriends rapping to Bohemian Rhapsody.

Don’t even go there, sister! The only way that can end is with a pitched battle the likes of which cinema has never seen before.

Battle of the Ringtones

Drafting in over 50,000 extras, director Kathryn Bigelow set out an ambitious goal for the film: the most impressive battle scene in movie history.

Using real-life explosions as, “The extras are goddamn expendable, dammit!” (Bigelow’s alleged statement) filming began at 6am on Monday morning in the drizzly town of Bolton, Greater Manchester.

By 9am only 10,000 extras were left. That was for the rehearsal, so for the real attempt a further 45,000 extras were drafted in from neighbouring towns such as Bamber Bridge, Bury, Chorley, and Rochdale.

Bigelow (allegedly) said, “These vapid Northerners don’t know what’s going on, they’ll just think it’s the Blitz again. Roll them all out there!” Filming was wrapped by 3pm and there were 314 and a half survivors.

Till girl Doreen from Bury said, “It were terrifying. The woman screamed ‘ACTION!!’ and I went running out with me smartphone and then this thing exploded and I were thrown into the air, offset, and into a muddy ditch. Apparently me scene is cut from t’ film an all. I’m well miffed.”

Builder Dave said of his extra experience, “It were a reet good laugh until me leg were blown clean from me body. I’m not sure I can bloody well go into work tomorrow, now. That’s not belting at all!”

Professional Moron contacted Kathryn Bigelow this morning to demand she explain her actions, but she told us she had no idea what we were on about. Strange Days indeed.

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