How to Tell if Someone is Lying

Lying
Lies!

Fibbing is one of the worst things you, as a human being or goat, can do. But lying is a bit more complicated than knowing someone is talking nonsense when they say, “I was the first person to walk on Jupiter.”

Unfortunately, detecting a lie isn’t as simple as going, “Are you lying?” and the person in question saying, “Yes. Sorry.”

Indeed, many people will say, “No!” Consequently, this adds another lie onto their previous lie, which can spiral a person off into a state of relentless, pathological lying.

But, of course, you know they’ve never set foot on Jupiter. Yet you can’t prove that, because the burden of proof is upon you to prove that the other person is a fibber.

So what should you do (and, no, you can’t ask Jupiter for verification – it’s not a sentient being and there’s no CCTV up there)?

Landing That Liar

Whilst there’s no guaranteed way to ensure you spot a lying piece of SOB, there are certain tricks of the trade you can keep in mind.

  • Inconsistencies: “No, I didn’t punch him on purpose!” 20 minutes later becomes, “Well, I punched him because his face is irritating.” Caught in the act! You have yourself a liar.
  • Body language: Are they dribbling unconscious on the floor? They might be drunk. OR! It’s a tactic to defer accusations against them. Keep an eye on that Machiavellian SOB.
  • Trusting your gut: If you have a sudden grumble from your stomach as you accuse someone of something, it’s probably not because you’re hungry or that rye bread is passing through your system. The person is clearly a liar. You’ve nailed them!
  • Tulips: Pretty, aren’t they?
  • Truth gun: If you’re clever enough to invent a gun that – upon firing – kills the person if they’re lying (and let’s them live if not) then this is a highly recommended option.
  • Just presume everyone is lying: This simplifies everything, saving you a hell of a lot of time (especially if you’re a judge in the Supreme Court).
  • Watch Liar Liar (1997): Not Jim Carrey’s best film, but it might provide you with a few ideas for catching people out.

Capital Punishment

Ignoring the above, the reality is it’s all down to your government. In this nanny state world of counterproductive political correctness, it’s time things were stepped up a notch to ensure no one can ever lie again!

But is it a bit harsh to enable the death penalty for lying? Maybe.

If, for example, you deny you stole an apple when, indeed, you did nick it, it’s still a bit OTT to then be blasted from a cannon into the sun for your crime. A slap on the wrist would be more appropriate (or 50 lashings from a rusty chain – how’d you like them apples?).

But if a person said they didn’t detonate a nuclear warhead, when indeed they did, it’s a good idea to have some sort of law in place to penalise them for the aforementioned activity. Otherwise, if you can escape punishment for a major offense, that’s going to trigger off a spate of copycat nuclear warhead explosions.

And you can’t just waltz off into the radioactive sunset scot-free whilst bedlam erupts behind you. That would be morally wrong.

But if someone denies they did it, even though there’s CCTV footage showing them doing it, but they say it wasn’t them… cripes, this is confusing.

Legal Clarification on Lying

We had to refer to the Professional Moron Book Of Legal Terms 2019 to gain closure on all of this. Verbatim, under The Detonation of Nuclear Arms For Wanton Destruction Or Random Shenanigans:

"Culpability depends on the amount of culp and ability of respective person (or persons) involved in any given detontation. It also depends whether the detonator indeed survives the aforementioned detonation, as often this is not the case (due to the nature of atom bombs). 

If, however, the perpetrator does scrape through then under The Prohibition of Detonating Atom Bombs Act 2014 you can warn them the act is illegal. 

At this point they may state, "I din't do nuffink." At which point you should assert, "Are you really, really sure?" And if they reply, "Yeah. Now fack off!" Then you must presume they're innocent and the warhead probably went off due to a malfunction."

9 comments

  1. Is it lying if I tell someone says an other’s pants do not make their ass look huge or are ass…I mean white lies for the sake of sparing feelings not worthy of the death penalty. I have a lot banking on this, please hurry.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Why is a detonator a possible liar? What about chainsaw wielders, or flamethrower lunatics? Could they be liars?
    Ah, you’ve become compulsive liar! Why not? I suppose it could be easier that way.

    Like

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