This week’s terrifying UN report detailing the impending collapse of human society, due to the decimation of natural life-support systems, is tempered by the knowledge another Royal baby has arrived!
Like all other right-wing British tabloids, we’ve decided to totally ignore the depressing harsh reality from the UN in favour of mass coverage of hereditary privilege. God save the Queen!
Tally bally ho!
"Humans have destroyed many of the habitats on which the rest of nature depends and caused the temperature of the earth to rise; as a result, 'around 1 million species already face extinction, many within decades, unless action is taken.' The report serves as a kind of pre-obituary for all of the creatures now on the way out—the current global rate of extinction is estimated as 'already at least tens to hundreds of times higher than it has averaged over the past 10 million years.'”
Informs Bill McKibben of the New Yorker. But that’s nonsense – he just wants to keep his job so he’s scaremongering.
Meanwhile, another baby landed on the planet thanks to the efforts of that Prince Harry one. Despite initial reports suggesting its name was Fiddlesticks The Destroyer, it soon emerged the Duke and Duchess of Sussex instead went for Archie.
Huh. Fair enough. Kind of an anticlimax, isn’t it? We felt we could go one better. As such, we visited the Royal Family’s website and found this address:
Her Majesty The Queen
London SW1A 1AA
The website states, verbatim (seriously, we’re not making this up):
"If you wish to write a formal letter, you can open with 'Madam' and close the letter with the form 'I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient servant'."
But the following paragraph states:
"This traditional approach is by no means obligatory. You should feel free to write in whatever style you feel comfortable."
As such, we decided to get in touch to suggest some better names for young Archie. It’s never too late to change, eh?
Letter to the Royal Family
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yooooo! Proper belting news on the latest annoying brat the tax payer has to fund. Hopefully this one won't end us as stupid as some of the others (not wishing to name any names, of course). But we're disappointed with "Archie" - the name, not the baby. How could we ever feel disappointment from the divine gift that is that dribbling, slobbering superior of ours? Yet we're still going to suggest a few new names. No pressure, totally up to you whether you want to use one or not: - Fiddlesticks The Destroyer. - Mould. - Tom Hanks (we're sure the real one won't mind). - Lard. - Greasy Drunken Fry Up. - Gammy Leg. - Athlete's Foot. - Gout. - Scurvy. - Egor. Not picking favourites, but we really think you should go with Fiddlesticks The Destroyer. It really suits the little shit. Sorry! We mean, precious darling baby a boogie boogie woo etc. And in case you don't agree, enclosed is a £10 note that serves as a bribe and/or funds for name change via deed poll. We've the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's bumble bee and obese slaves. Cheers! The Professional Moron team
As of yet, we’ve received no response from the British Royal Family. We guess they’re a bit business waving at their inferiors.
But What About The Environment?!
As The Guardian covered (seemingly one of the few newspapers in England that actually covers real news – other than Professional Moron, of course!):
“'The health of the ecosystems on which we and other species depend is deteriorating more rapidly than ever. We are eroding the very foundations of economies, livelihoods, food security, health and quality of life worldwide,' said Robert Watson, the chair of the Intergovernmental Science-Policy Platform on Biodiversity and Ecosystem Services (Ibpes). 'We have lost time. We must act now.'”
The fantastic thing about that is, in the decades ahead, we can rest safe in the knowledge that Fiddlesticks The Destroyer will be safe and sound.
As for the hundreds of millions of other kids… well, who gives a toss?
All they have to do is apply themselves and study hard (even though university fees are now unaffordable for the masses), work hard (despite wages remaining terrible), start a business (ignoring the fact that’s borderline impossible for most people now), and revel in the opportunities modern capitalism presents (such as mass poverty and inequality).
Erm, are we too cynical? That’s something Fiddlesticks The Destroyer can grow up to violently stamp out. Hurrah!